By the way, you could’ve bought a buffalo to eat, if you had the means.

You could’ve taken it home and killed it and took it apart and put it in a deep freezer and fed your wife and kids and dogs for the whole damn winter, if you had the wherewithal.

Buffalo meat is tricky to cook. It’s so lean it can go dry and tasteless pretty quick. I avoid this by cooking beef instead.

Working in restaurants for a lot of years, I know that tourists love buffalo burgers. “Oh, look Courtney,” they’ll say in their New York or Wisconsin or Alabama accent, “a buffalo burger. How quaint! Do we dare?”

Sure as shit, they dare.

Here, have a piece of leather with some cheese melted on it. Ten bucks.

*everbody in South Dakota goes LOL*

Someday, Dr. Oz will say on tv that buffalo meat is good for you, which it is, and all the buffalo will disappear again—just like what happened with kale a few months ago. Dr. Oz told his drones that kale was good for them and BOOM no more kale. It was a short-lived fad, however, due to the fact that kale tastes like absolute fucking shit. Sometimes, even a drone can rebel.

Gimme cabbage anyday. Kale is just fucked up cabbage. It’s what happens to cabbage when you plant it under power lines or next to nuclear power plants or in New Jersey.

Craving sauerkraut suddenly. Brb.

Tags: food

The annual buffalo roundup was this weekend.

(Source: youtube.com)

I think the Republicans will win the Senate, rendering Obama entirely ineffective for his last two years in office.

It’ll be just like his first six years in office :)

Tags: politics

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in light."

— Groucho Marx

Quick picture of me heading out the door. I’m on vacation, I decided. I’ll be back next week with a funny story.

Quick picture of me heading out the door. I’m on vacation, I decided. I’ll be back next week with a funny story.

(Source: early-onset-of-night)

Tags: nothing

Three proofs that God has a sense of humor:

The fact that gray hairs grow faster than regular hairs, E.D., and giraffes.

I feel the same way about Obama as Gandalf does about Saruman.

Tags: politics

Do this.

What the fuck am I going to eat?

There’s nothing here. I gotta go shopping, but I hate to go shopping , so put it off until I end up in the situation I find myself in tonight.

I have chickpeas, olive oil, barley, an onion, a bulb of garlic, and half a bag of frozen corn. I am also spoiled for spices.

So…

I’m gonna cook the barley and chickpeas till soft, dice the onion and garlic, and throw everything in a cast iron skillet (along with the half a bag of corn), and just full-on fucking fry them all up.

I will spice promiscuously, mostly with hot stuff (if the dish does taste like ass, I won’t be able to tell because my mouth will be on fire). Then I will eat it in bed while doing crossword puzzles with my dogs, who probably won’t be jealous at all.

If you don’t hear from me in the next few days, know that I am dead and that I loved you guys, strangers technically though you are.

Tags: food death

Remember my new neighbors who have interesting garbage?

(actually litter)

Well, last night my dog woke me up around 3 AM to take a piss. He does this by jumping off the bed, walking around the house, jumping back on the bed, walking around on the bed, then jumping off the bed and walking around the house, over and over again.

That’s Duke-speak for “Yo, Mike, I gotta piss, man.”

So I take him outside and he’s goes about pissing around the yard, while I stand blinking on the step in a pair of Charlie Brown boxers and a wife-beater t-shirt that says, for some reason, “Ireland”.

Suddenly I hear hollering and commotion coming from the Primatene house. They are on the other side of the house next to me. Really loud yelling, saying again and again, “COME OUT AND PLAY! COME ON OUT AND PLAY!” in a snotty, taunting voice.

I look toward the alley behind me and see flames flickering on the other side of the hedges. Duke is now aware of the commotion and yelling and is starting to bark and leave the yard. He wants to get into some shit! I get down off the step and catch him before he leaves. I carry him back inside, put on a pair of pants and investigate further.

Well, they got a big bonfire burning in their back yard. They’re yelling and fighting. What a buncha losers, I thought, and was about to go back inside when cops and firetrucks showed up. All hell broke lose then.

I remained on my step, listening to the festivities. I couldn’t make out what was going on, but I would wager resisting arrest was part of it. Eventually a cop came over to me, shining his light in my face. He asked which vehicles were mine.

"The two cars on the street there and the truck in the back."

He shined his light on my Olds, which was closet to my house. “Six or eight cars down the street have all had their tires slashed. Did you hear any gunfire?”

"Gunfire! No." I told him about the yelling and what was said.

"Nothing about a gun?"

"No."

He told me I might want to go back inside for safety reasons, thanked me, and went on. He was a very nice cop, but then I’m white.

I don’t know how it all played out, but this morning all the cars in front of or near their house had flat tires. This evening they’re still flat, but they seem to be taking it well because right now they are having a kegger in their front yard.

A 16 gallon keg and three people…

Who the hell are these people and why am I not invited?

"I am who I am because of the choices I made yesterday."

Eleanor Roosevelt, in a simpler time.

Today, we know that we are victims—of bad parenting, of bad childhood experiences, of media imagery, etc., and that we are all sufferers of whatever psychological illness removes all or most of the culpability from our behavior.

People from the olden days are cute, aren’t they?

Tags: nothing

And Bingo is my name-o

So tonight I thought, “Wouldn’t it be ridiculous if I went to Bingo?” and did.

Actually, that’s not true. I thought on Wednesday, “Wouldn’t it be ridiculous if I went to bingo Friday night?” and so just got back.

I knew absolutely nothing about Bingo. For one, I didn’t realize it was a form of gambling. People were winning $90, $75, $25…It was nuts. (I won jack shit). I didn’t know how to play and learned by doing. I bought a green sponge marker, a packet of cards, a pitcher of beer, and a cardboard tray of cardboard French fries, all for around thirty-five bucks.

I had to watch other people to figure out what was going on, plus there was a big display up on the wall with numbers and flashing lights that told you vaguely what was going on.

You know, the standard bingo game where you try to make a straight line up and down or back and forth or diagonally we only played once? Each game was different, a different shape you had to get, to win. On one, you made an X. On another, a 6-pack. Still another was a kite. There was the Crazy Cross, where you tried to get various permutations of a cross. That was the most holy one, and as I played it, I thanked Almighty God Himself for allowing me to live long enough to play bingo bemusedly with a bunch of geriatrics.

It was at The Retired Enlisted Association building and the whole time I was there I could feel the simmering rivalry with the VFW. “Everybody knows about the VFW,” their sad eyes told me, “but TREA? Yeah, we’re all but forgotten.”

I imagined war breaking out between the VFW and TREA and laughed. Then I imagined the Rotary Club brokering the peace between them and laughed harder.

It was a good time. I enjoyed myself. I’m gonna go every Friday night.

Why not? What else is there to do?

Tags: bingo boredom

My new neighbors have interesting garbage.

Which, by the way, they don’t put in a garbage can but on the ground in front of their house.

Walking my dogs passed there yesterday, I came across eight or ten empty Primatene packets, plus an equal number of empty car air freshener packets—you know, the trees you hang from your rearview mirror. This was all scattered around their small yard. I also spied one empty packet of condoms.

LOL. I’d never fuck anyone who scattered empty Primatene and air freshener packets around their yard.

Who the hell are these people?

queertodaygonetomorrow:

atane:

wristxrocket:

dear-drifter:

lilightfoot:

Remember.

his life was totally in danger.

^^^^

True story; this officer (John Pike) got a settlement of $38,000 because he said he got depressed after pepper spraying these kids. Oh, the depression wasn’t for feeling remorseful for pepper spraying a bunch of college kids peacefully protesting. He got depressed because he said since the media kept playing the video of him pepper spraying peaceful kids without cause, he got threats and didn’t feel safe. He didn’t feel safe. I’m not making that up. This motherfucker collected nearly 40 grand on worker’s comp after assaulting a bunch of college kids.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/23/pepper-spray-cop-settlement_n_4152147.html

What a piece of shit this guy is. Wow.

queertodaygonetomorrow:

atane:

wristxrocket:

dear-drifter:

lilightfoot:

Remember.

his life was totally in danger.

^^^^

True story; this officer (John Pike) got a settlement of $38,000 because he said he got depressed after pepper spraying these kids. Oh, the depression wasn’t for feeling remorseful for pepper spraying a bunch of college kids peacefully protesting. He got depressed because he said since the media kept playing the video of him pepper spraying peaceful kids without cause, he got threats and didn’t feel safe. He didn’t feel safe. I’m not making that up. This motherfucker collected nearly 40 grand on worker’s comp after assaulting a bunch of college kids.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/23/pepper-spray-cop-settlement_n_4152147.html

What a piece of shit this guy is. Wow.

(Source: kropotkindersurprise)

I think it would be quite neat if Scotland became independent.

But I am just an observer half a world away. Imagine: a significant world event in which nobody dies. We have, like, one of those a century.

What would the Union Jack look like, I wonder?

Oh, and Obama and Bill Clinton and the UK government are all against Scottish independence. That should tell you right there it’s a good idea.