I don’t wanna catch Alzheimer’s and someone told me that doing crossword puzzles prevents Alzheimer’s and it sounded as reasonable as anything else I hear come out of people’s mouths, so, yeah, I’m all about crossword puzzles now.
I just had a birthday and, well, you see how this all started…
Did you know that the pretentious, hoity-toity way of saying that you like to do crossword puzzles is by telling people you’re a cruciverbalist?
I AM A CRUCIVERBALIST!
Crossword puzzles are fun. Turns out, I’m even kind of good at them, except for the pop culture shit. I use the pop culture shit as a way to determine if a particular crossword puzzle sucks total and utter ass or not. If there’s a lot of questions about actors and actresses or movies or tv or producers or Emmy award winning roles, I skip it because, who gives a shit? Some pop culture questions are unavoidable and if there ain’t too many, I’ll dive in. Maybe, I figure, I can work the answer out by getting the words around it. The only pop culture shit I stand any chance at is music, but, you know, these are crossword puzzles, so it’s safe music. I have done three puzzles now that wanted to know Sarah MacLachlan hits. Three!
Who the hell is Sarah McLachlan and why are crossword puzzle creators so obsessed with her?
One time, though, there was a question about Ozzy. The clue was “Manchester metal man”—four letters. I was aghast—six letters.
I use a pencil, erase constantly, and cheat willy-nilly with dictionaries and atlases, but I never look at the key until I give up, which takes days. I considered using the internet to find out a pop culture answer one time, but decided against it. I am a man of principles or scruples or ethics and do not care one whit or iota or dollop who the producer of X-men is. I don’t even know what an X-man is or why he needs producing. What is an X-man? Is it like a member of a club of divorced guys or something?
Anywho, I’m real happy I’m not gonna catch Alzheimer’s now and I would like to extend a great big thank-you to all you Sarah McLachlan-loving, crossword puzzle-creating sunsabitches out there for preventing this terrible tragedy from descending upon me and my family like a squadron of rabid baboons or a gaggle of gangrene-y geese.
The plural of moose is meese, did you know that? You have one moose, but two, count ‘em, two meese. Speaking of Alzheimer’s, Ronald Reagan had a guy in his administration named Edwin Meese. I don’t know what he did, some political shit. Lying, probably, since that’s what you do in politics.
Edwin Meese, the plural of Edwin Moose :D
I better go now. I’m not supposed to be anywhere near the nurses’ station and I hear the soft shoes of swiftly approaching orderlies.
Until next time, America!