Watched an episode of Mythbusters earlier in which Kari Byron was wearing a cute little tennis outfit.
I nearly dislocated my shoulder.
I nearly dislocated my shoulder.
The poor things are truly torn. Whatever will they do?
At least that’s what I can make out from studying Protestant theology, or, rather, Protestant theologies (there’s one for everyone!). Granted, I’m being a bit facetious—not every Protestant is a denomination of one. They move in groups, like bikers or reindeer, each group adhering to what amounts to some dude and his particular interpretation of scripture. Many of them don’t even seem to have a clearly defined theology. It’s just PRAISE JESUS!, sing a hymn, and go home and watch Fox News.
I hate to be a party pooper, but that ain’t a religion, my friends.
For the record, I’m a Catholic (the best religion EVAR!), but a fallen-away one. I wasn’t reared Catholic, but secular. As a kid growing up, the only time I went to church was when someone died or got married. Over time, these two strange practices got connected in my mind and I entered adulthood terrified of commitment. Eventually, looking around at the Universe and realizing television and mindless consumerism wasn’t cutting it for me, I thought: Wouldn’t it be hysterical if I just, all of sudden, became a Catholic?
So that’s what I did.
I do a lot of things like that: Wouldn’t it be hysterical if I just, all of a sudden, started smoking a pipe? Wouldn’t it be hysterical if I just, all of sudden, shaved my head? Wouldn’t it be hysterical if I just, all of sudden, got rid of everything I owned and went and lived in a tent?
It’s as good a decision-making process as any other, as I’m sure anyone over 35 knows and you young folks will one day find out.
I’m not the type of guy who does something half-assed. I’m all in, no matter what I’m holding. I studied up on Catholicism big-time. I’m a compulsive autodidact and excellent student of anything when there are no teachers involved. I went into the little becoming-a-Catholic shindig as well-versed in the multitudinous nit-picking that is Catholic theology as the priest himself.
He was impressed, but not overly.
I knew the nuts and bolts but he opened up a can of insight on my ass that made my jaw slack. There is a difference between knowledge and faith, I learned. Even though I knew everything he knew, I still didn’t know jack shit.
So I did that for a while, the whole Catholic thing, then they started stashing all those pedophile priests in the nooks and crannies of their religion and I got all “Fuck this shit” and quit. Tore up my membership card, threw away my funny hat, and just stopping going.
A few months later, I was sitting around my tent, bald-headed and smoking my pipe, when a thought a occurred to me: Wouldn’t it be hysterical if I just, all of a sudden, become a Buddhist?
Robin Williams, from a stand-up performance I saw years ago.
So I’m reading the paper, see, and it’s an article about all the great success we’ve been having overturning the stupid gay marriage bans. State by state they’re getting struck down, as I’m sure you’ve heard. Even my state’s ban (South Dakota) is working its way to inevitable and correct doom.
But the ban has been upheld twice in Nebraska. What the fuck? Upheld? And you wanna know something else? It’s one of the most far-reaching, draconian bans of them all. The article was telling the story of a couple who had married legally in Iowa, right next door to Nebraska. Two ladies, with a young son, who had been together for years and then finally got hitched when Iowa legalized gay marriage (one of the first states to do so, by the way). Like many, even most, married couples, they wanted the same last name and one of the ladies took her partner’s.
Anyway, fast forward a few years, and the family made a move, for career reasons, to Nebraska, which, as I pointed out in the title, is an asshole. They were there awhile and it came time for the lady who had taken her wife’s name to renew her driver’s license. Well, they wouldn’t let her. They insisted that she do it under her maiden name, which, legally, was no longer her name, so they wouldn’t let her even do that. In Nebraska, her VERY NAME was illegal because she was gay.
Think about that.
Then, to top it all off, she finds out that she has no legal rights to her own son, who is, biologically, her wife’s offspring. So, like, God forbid, if something happens to her wife, she very well could lose her son, simply because she’s gay—and, of course, the kid could lose both his parents, simply because of their gayness.
100 miles east of where she is living, none of this would be true. Isn’t that weird?
What part of love your neighbor as yourself do these fuckwads not get?