Perhaps I will write about it one day. Won’t be around for a few days while I get my head straight. Love ya guys and talk to you soon.
Bring it, bitches.
I set the phone down on speaker and listen to the garbled music, waiting. Eventually, a real live person comes on thinking he has a bite. I talk to them either a long time, pretending interest, or a short time. It depends on how bored I get.
I say shit like “Oh, yah, you betcha! That’s sounds like a real key deal. Tell me more.”
Don’t ask me why I do this with a Minnesota accent, but I do.
Then CLICK I hang up.
I’m telling you, this is way better than any “do not call” list. Those are universally ignored by these assclowns anyway. Wasting their time and thus money is a very good way to get them to stop calling, plus it’s funnier.
Let that which stood in front go behind,
Let that which was behind advance to the front,
Let bigots, fools, unclean persons, offer new propositions,
Let the old propositions be postponed,
Let a man seek pleasure everywhere except in himself,
Let a woman seek happiness everywhere except in herself.
- Walt Whitman
Tagged politics, obviously.
Here in my town last year, a city council member got all racist and birther with a news reporter. I wrote about it once before.
It seems that an important decision was before the city council. One that was newsworthy. A reporter for a local tv station, who happened to be a black woman, was doing her job as a reporter and calling the city council members to get their opinion and anything else they might have to say about this apparently important issue. Most gave a no comment or an innocuous non-statement. One, however, got pissy.
Why did SHE want to know? Was SHE going to vote? No, obviously. It was a vote before the city council. Was she even American? Should we send her back to Kenya with Obama? Et cetera.
So it all blew up and then he pretended he didn’t know she was black. This lady is a TELEVISION reporter for the local news. She appears on local tv every evening. Yet this guy didn’t know she was black.
Whatever, dude. We here in South Dakota might be rural. We might be simple in the Lynard Skynard “Simple Man” context, but we ain’t idiots.
No one would suggest a person go back to Africa UNLESS they knew they were black. I mean, come on.
So the reporter lady was a bit miffed. Rightfully so. She complained to the mayor and an investigation was launched. The dipshit in question eventually “apologized” but in the most unapologetic way ever. It was an unapology, sort of “I didn’t do anything wrong, but since everybody’s mad, yeah, I guess I’m sorry”.
That shit wasn’t good enough for a lot of us. Some politically active person started a recall petition so that we can put this clown’s ass up to a vote and I got in my car and actually drove down to sign it.
I have never done that with a petition before. I always sign petitions, too. I figure, let’s vote on it! no matter what it is. But I only sign them when I run into them….at the library getting books, at the courthouse paying fines, at the strip mall buying beer.
This time, though, I went to THEM.
They were sitting in a circle in a corner of Black Hills Bagels. They were all surprisingly old. I looked around when I entered and they noticed me looking around. I made the pen sign with my hand….”Check, please!”
They all nodded.
I went over. Immediately, the youngest woman in the circle, who was about 85, poked a big fancy microphone in my face. She was from NPR. Would I care to share why I was signing the petition?
“Because I thought those were racist comments and I don’t want a racist on my city council,” I said.
They all nodded and smiled.
So I signed the petition, wished them luck, and went up to the counter and got a giant pizza bagel.
It was fucking excellent.
I, myself, I have always been fond of the Christmas Elf Conspiracy. The horror… The horror….
I wish a conspiracy would be true. Just one. Personally, I lean toward Kennedy, but then…
I think about conspiracies and no one can keep their mouth shut. If there is a conspiracy, there’s no way it could be “vast”. Bill Clinton got a hummer in a room which contained only him and Monica and the entire planet found out. Imagine trying to keep hundreds of people in line.
Humans are a self-serving and unruly lot. I don’t buy the cohesion, the long-term cohesion needed to perpetrate all these conspiracies.
Plus, not one goddamn conspiracy has been proven. Many, if not most, have been disproved. Prove at least ONE fucking conspiracy to me and then you can show me a blurry picture of a guy wearing a backpack and claim Obama did it to take our guns.
We landed on the moon. Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy alone. 911 was perpetrated by Satanists with their own cocks so far up their asses they actually thought of themselves as Muslims. The Boston Bombers were the Boston Bombers and Benghazi is a desperate cry for help from a dying right wing.
Every other one you can think of is wrong, too. Cobain killed himself. UFOs are not real and the Bermuda Triangle is actually a distorted rectangle.
The real conspiracy, the one no one has thought of, is that all conspiracies are fake, made up by simple-minded people who mistake themselves for otherwise. They have difficulty fathoming such terrible concepts as “randomness” and “evil” and so prescribe these things to some sort of giant machine working in the background, usually called “the government”.
“If God did not exist, it would be necessary to create him,” indeed.
Anonymous asked: tips for a college freshman that hates this shit and just wants to write?
he bullshitted, ain’t no doubt about it.
It was just the way he told things,
made you never want to doubt him.
He kept you going when the road got tough,
and brought you through the lean times
by making it up.