August 2011
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Got a book on symbols the other day. Very cheap....
And as with all nonfiction books that possess an index, I immediately turned to it and looked up “penis.”
The entry reads: The penis or phallus is most often used as a sign for masculinity or virility.
No shit, Sherlock?
July 2011
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Recipe...
Samosa filling About 2 tbs. of olive oil. Traditionally, ghee is used but i’m not traditional, so… So take an onion and chop it up. Take a couple cloves of garlic, mince ‘em up. Take a little ginger, chop it up. About a tsp. Oh, I remove the ginger skin, too. Take a large potato or a couple small potatoes (about a pound). Chop into cubes, like about half an inch or so. get a bag...
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Mike's House of Grub
Today’s menu
bowls of creamy asparagus soup with homemade onion buns
spicy potato samosas with savory rice-n-peppers
also two baguettes for good measure
All organic and made from scratch!
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Am I the only one who finds this debt ceiling shit...
We got two plans: Obama’s and the Tea Baggers’. Everyone has picked a side and are bitching and yelling and whining and fighting……to raise the debt ceiling, to go FURTHER into debt. Hilarious. You’ve heard the phrase “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” I’m sure. Well, it seems to me our motto should be “If it’s broke,...
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2:35 am
Something bit me. I’m out in my yard, hanging out with the night, and something bit me. It was dark and I didn’t see it and it STUNG. Not a mosquito. It hurt. I brushed whatever it was off and went inside to look at it under the light. A spot of blood, a tiny hole, an elevated bump. Still kinda hurts. (It was like 10 minutes ago).
So I spoke before how I have a real job through the...
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on the wikipedia page for my university, under the...
logicallypositive:
they talk about having a 42% graduation rate.
since when is it considered a bragging right when roughly only 2 out of every 5 students attending your university actually graduate?
Because it’s a realistic number. If 100% graduate then the curriculum is shit. Anyone can do it. Nowadays, people think of college as a sort of birthright that takes them into “good...
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Whoever invented the elastic band is a genius....
aabsolutelynothingatall:
Growing older = Growing sadder
As a man in his late hundreds, I respectfully disagree.
Life fucking SUCKS when you’re young. There are little things about getting older that are cool, things like thinking IT’S OK and I’M OK and IT’S REALLY OK.
When I was young, everything was a fucking crisis. Now I’m like don’t call me unless...
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It's good to be in a kitchen again!
Took a real, live job at a restaurant through the Sturgis Rally. The guy who fries up your mozzarella sticks while you suck down your beer? That’ll be me :)
Howdy. I’m Mike. I enjoy intoxication, long, drawn out blowjobs, and pipe tobacco. I speak English, and very well.
The place is called Shipwreck Lee’s and it’s a bar alongside the highway, doing its part to contribute...
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So, a brothel was just busted in this town.
A fucking brothel! How cool is that? It was right down the road, a big purple house with even purpler trim. I drove by it all the time. I’m gonna snap a photo of it and post it on Tumblr cuz I’m awesome like that. Each day, I like this town more and more. So I’m all wondering what the girls were like. Were they hot? Were they even girls? Were they drug-addled zombies with scrawny...
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Charlie Chaplin's full name
It’s very weird to almost know something…or to have once known it. Doing a crossword puzzle, that was the clue: Charlie Chaplin’s full name. I have done one crossword puzzle in my life, which happened on Sunday and part of today. I will never do another. What a colossal waste of time. But I stuck it out on this one and completed it. What was Charlie Chaplin’s full name? I...
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Hello. Didja miss me? I missed you.
Got drunk, like LOTS. A girl got sick in my car. It stinks now. I was smoking pipe in this giant beer garden and it was called “ostentatious”. I like that. I am fucking ostentatious, bitches. I lost my keys (that had my house key on it!). And my snus. I crawled in through the window to give you this report. Crazy times. Seen old cousins not seen in years. Saw my mom, and my uncle Spud....
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Spring break girl roughly fucking in bathroom grade underneath the stairs or near the lights She’s young and bosom and ass and camera and spam floating myriad tastes your way in monthly fees never paid Dark hair she has and dyed no doubt and fake tits with plastic soul and broken heart and nothing Objectified while you stroke your cock subjectified and alone, always
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This month, I have purchased approximately 75...
Have I lost my fucking mind?
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Is Ned short for anything?
Like Nedley, perhaps? Or Nedington. Or Nedward? It just seems like a nickname to me.
Got called "cruel, heartless, and mildly...
Whatever you say, sweetheart.
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What the hell happened to all the unscented...
6 stores, town of 100,000 people: no unscented candles. Finally I asked a retail person at the last store, “Do you have any unscented candles?” She’s like, “What do you mean? Unscented candles?” “Yeah. You know, they’re just wax and don’t smell like anything?” She says, “Really? Not even apples?” “Right.” She stared at...
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bestesh-mensch asked: So, I received your book, witty letter, autograph and all.
It was surreal to finally be able to crack it open.
I am not even exaggerating when I say this is turning into one of the best books I've ever read. The way you incorporate satire into all of your characters, the underlying greed, desire to be seen a successful by others, so many things that are now staples of...
It was surreal to finally be able to crack it open.
I am not even exaggerating when I say this is turning into one of the best books I've ever read. The way you incorporate satire into all of your characters, the underlying greed, desire to be seen a successful by others, so many things that are now staples of...
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Spilled Ink
A new tag bandied about on Tumblr that I like, even though it sounds a bit artys-fartsy and artsy-fartsy people crack me up, even though I sort of am one, and even though I find it a bit artsy-fartsy I went out and follwed several people using it because it means one thing most: writing. I want to be artys-fartsy and read my shit before a crowd of coffee drinkers again, before people reeking of...
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Rape victim becomes upset on the stand after...
Rape victim calls defense attorney, who is also a woman (at least genetically), a “bitch”
Judge charges rape victim with contempt of court
Throws her in jail (in a cell next to her attacker)
What the fuck?
Full story
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I think punk rock is sacred
and is the answer to life, the universe, and nothing. I used to have a friend who was a giant blues fan. He fucking loved the blues, man. Hardcore. It was as if it was a music worth loving. He got it on vinyl. “Collected” it, rather. We’d be getting drunk and out would come the albums, each one with a history or a story. I don’t know how you feel about the blues, but I...
Anonymous asked: Speaking of offensive things, recently there's been a "get back in the kitchen/make me a sandwich" joke trend. Even if it doesn't offend me, it's irritating because it's more like a go-to insult to a girl rather than an original, witty joke. Thoughts on the matter?
I wish I had somewhere I could wear an ascot to.
Like a real fucking ascot, under the collar, the works. I understand it’s formal day attire. One wouldn’t wear a real ascot at night. It doesn’t matter, though, because I have nowhere to go. The library? I go to the library most days. I go to Staple and Spice for my staples and spices. I go to the regular grocery store. I’m going to see the last Harry Potter movie, but rarely go to movies. I pop...
misandryspice asked: RE: Gaga's "wheelchair" jackassery
Should there not however be a line drawn between being "offended" and being "oppressed"?
Should there not however be a line drawn between being "offended" and being "oppressed"?
Anonymous asked: Maybe all those people who complain are dumb for feeling offended, but I think lady gaga is equally dumb because what's the point on doing all those things? I am not god or anyone to say what's right or wrong, but some things are just not nice. In my opinion lady gaga is just an atention whore. I dont listen to her music because I think it's plain and boring and cliche, and I really...
ldmibf replied to your photo: “She has been criticized for her use of religious…
What I find interesting is that those vocal people who are offended? They don’t have the issue that she’s exploiting. Of all the people bitching/offended about this, how many are actually in wheelchairs?
I would wager few. It’s mostly just a bunch of self-righteous hall monitor types who think they...
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Good morning.
How are you? I am fine. This summer, my lawn mower died. I got it two years ago at a yard sale for $75. Until recently, it worked fine. At the beginning of June, it stopped working, wouldn’t start for shit. I yanked and yanked on that stupid cord, beads of sweat popping out on my forehead. Since I know nothing about fixing anything, I gave up and hauled it to a small engine repair shop where...
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The Wax Bananas ~ 3 in 1
I am a weapons-grade smartass.
See?
Fucking A.
In other news:
Spent the day with Mom, helping her pick out a new computer. She’s so clueless about technology, but likes to play games. The number one priority for her: “Does it have free cell?”
:)
We got an adorable little laptop. 300 bucks. With free cell. She’s not one to fondle the little pad to get the pointer to move around, so we also got a...
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Story time.
Someone scolded me good-naturedly yesterday on Facebook for not posting enough stories around here lately. I’m all political now, they said, which is odd—true, but odd. I don’t even like politics. I’m writing several stories and a book, but unfortunately they’re in various states of undress. So here’s an old one:
——-
Margaret, Mike, and The...
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