Early Onset of Night

So I ran out of Trout Stream. A complete and utter tragedy, I know. Angels were crying, the works. Trout Stream is one of my favorite tobaccos, so I can’t be out of it. It’s not acceptable. The last time I bought some was like 8 months ago, so I don’t even remember where on the internet I got it. I don’t smoke that much, perhaps once a day, but when I do I thoroughly enjoy it.

I just did a general search for Trout Stream pipe tobacco and ka-bang! a whole youtube world of pipe smokers was discovered.

It’s very silly, just guys sitting around smoking their pipes on video. Very silly. I watched like two dozen of them. They just ramble, visit with the void. They talk about their dogs, “the wife”, how they need to fix the porch, hunting. Truly random shit. They always mention what they’re smoking and what type of pipe they’re smoking it in. Sometimes, they’ll give a review, but really it’s just rambling. One guy, a delightful old man with a big ol’ gray beard, talks about the weather outside his house. In every video. I watched several of them. He just sits there puffing away and talking about how he woke up to two inches of snow. “Nary a word from the weather man either,” he said, reflectively.

Reflective is the only thing you can be while smoking a pipe, thus no matter what you do, you do it reflectively.

And it’s international, too. I watched a Swede puff away bemusedly on the corn cob pipe he laid down heavy bucks for to get from the U.S. He opened the package bemusedly, loaded it bemusedly, and smoked it bemusedly. He was very Swedish and very bemused. Another video had an English chap (all English men are chaps, I’ve decided) talking about a lovely bed-n-breakfast he discovered while on holiday in Shropshire.

“Is this a cult?” I wondered. “How do I join?”

Exactly how far does parenting go? Am I supposed to give a cosmic shit for nine million years? All the while until he’s finally old and dying like me? Must I wait that long? Personally, I’d like to treat him as a person I kinda know. He’s my own kid, so it wouldn’t be lying. I kinda know him. I know he’s really skinny and has sideburns. What more do you want from me? Oh, right, he called up with a sinus infection. As a poor person, he has no medical care. So I’m gonna teach him how to steal some. Key words: fake ssn, fake address, fake name: Kal Varnson. Fake everything. Go to a walk-in clinic. Lie about everything. Freedom. Fuckin’ A.

myvonne replied to your post: How about the BS baptism for the dead that the LDS church engages in? My husband and I left the church many years before our daughter was diagnosed with cancer. She succumbed to the disease after 3 years. While I cannot prove it, or even know how find out, I’m fairly certain my devout LDS in- laws had her baptized posthumously. I am sickened by this idea on so many levels. What makes these people think they have the right?

I think it’s crazy. Don’t know anything about their beliefs but it seems weird to say a person is going to their heaven… when that person didn’t choose it him or herself.

I think that’s probably what bugs her so. But it’s not even true. None of this shit is true. Everything an authority figure says is a lie, whether it be a priest or mullah or cop or teacher or newscaster, whatever. If a person is in a position of power and they are talking, they are lying.

Simple.

Proceed.

RE: this.

I got some pretty funny ones, like “Tell us about that time you accidentally took ketamine thinking it was cocaine.” Ha! And what? I have never indulged in either. The extent of my drug use has been pot, lsd, shrooms, and booze. These days I only drink and once in a great while get high. Anywho.

Another good one: “If men had periods.” Perhaps you mean if only…?

There were several others and I’ve actually decided to use one (stay tuned). No, I didn’t write last night, or drink whiskey, like I was thinking about. I’m drinking tonight, though, but not writing. I’ve never really been able to write and drink at the same time. I have the attention span of a chipmunk on espresso, more so while drinking. I don’t get all those drunk writers. How do they do it?

Thanks for the input, guys. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind, so keep em coming if you want.

In June of last year, a terrible mistake was made and I was offered a job as political op-ed columnist. Hilarity ensued.

I have really annoyed a lot of people by doing it, so it’s been quite fun. Many people are amazed that I am even allowed on the internet, saying all the shit that I say in the way that I say it.

So gimme a topic. If I get a lot of choices, I’ll choose one. “Political” can be very broad. In fact, it doesn’t even have to actually be political, but can be about culture, something in the news, anything really.

Monday morning is the deadline, but I might as well get some whiskey and write it tonight. A new liquor store opened up down the street and I want to go check it out.

So slide your ideas into this.

— from Joseph Heller’s rejection letter for Catch-22

The Modern Library has ranked Catch-22 as the 7th (by review panel) and 12th (by public) greatest English language novel of the twentieth century. The Radcliffe Publishing Course ranked Catch-22 as number 15 of the twentieth century’s top 100 novels. The Observer listed Catch-22 as one of the 100 greatest novels of all time. TIME puts Catch-22 in the top 100 English language modern novels. The Big Read by the BBC ranked Catch-22 as number 11 on a web poll of the UK’s best-loved book.

Michael Kindt, author of this post, ranks it as the greatest novel of all time, in any language. He assumes there are other languages out there besides English, but he isn’t sure why, nor does he apologize for his English-language centrism.

To date Catch-22 has sold well over 10 million copies, while managing all the while to keep off the Bestseller List.

Joseph Heller’s daughter, Erica, has never read her father’s masterpiece. She admits to starting it many times, but always refuses to finish it. “If I finish it, it’s over,” she explains simply.

Catch-22 is required reading in three separate courses at the United States Air Force Academy, where it has, apparently, done no good.