compliments-people said: You're awesome and an amazing person!
Somehow this doesn’t strike me as very…valuable. Nice try tho!
Picture of me waiting for universal healthcare.
A couple in bed wakes up and the guy thanks the woman next to him.
"Wow, that was a great birthday present you gave me at 4 in the morning," he says to her.
"You liked that, did you?"
"Oh, yeah. I wish I could get woke up at 4 in the morning more often!"
"Well, that wasn’t your whole birthday present," she says and reaches over to the nightstand and gets some lube.
She sets the little bottle of lube on his nude chest and positions herself on her stomach.
I’m not even kidding. This was a TV commercial. I know we’re, like, all modern and “enlightened” and shit and that porn is so mainstream even our kids watch it, but aren’t there limits? Subtle anal and oral sex references in the afternoon while watching a cooking show?
Maybe I’m getting old or something.
Immediately after this weird commercial, there was one for Gas-X, a pill you take to prevent farting.
I burst out laughing. Our civilization is clearly doomed, but at least the death throes are fucking hilarious….
This screwdriver is really good. Happy Friday!
Lol, me neither. But I bet the CEO and upper brass get some hardy, flame-broiled bonuses, though.
Fuck Burger King.
The police are not here to create disorder, they’re here to preserve disorder. — Richard J. Daley, mayor of Chicago, during the riots that took place there in 1968
Aunt and Uncles.
The woman in the middle is my mother.
a classically trained pianist
a cigarette smoker (which killed her).
Whenever I look at this picture
that the 70s were a really weird time.
Sitting here at the state fair, sitting here in the German Tent at the state fair, listening to polka music, watching people dance to it—hop to it, really, for polka dancing, near as I can make out, is complicated hopping—I can’t help but ask myself, “How did we, as a species, get to this point?”
My lady friend is bored. Her beautiful turquoise eyes glazed over long ago. She’s here with me, though.
What a trooper!
She is only 37, which makes her younger by 50 years than everyone else here (excluding me). She is a trooper, yes, but somehow I don’t think an end-of-the-night blowjob is on the table.
"You took me to a polka dance? Seriously? Suck your own dick, pal."
Alas, i am not that flexible. If I were, I’d never leave the house.
Accordions, lederhosen, giant gluttonous beer—blowjob or not, I’m having a fucking blast.
It is such a barren and lonely place,
even if you are with someone.
Even if they are touching you.
When I watch on a tv
or in a movie
someone going to bed,
it seems so brave to me:
They get into bed,
they lie down,
they adjust covers
creating comfort somehow, then
they reach out with a steady hand
and turn on the dark.
If you shut off the light,
you turn on the dark,
the bulb working in reverse,
sucking in the light
till it is all gone. Darkness
is the natural state,
a burning lamp merely
temporary and not very effective,
a fleeting darkness sponge.
I leave the light on so I don’t start screaming
and wake the dead,
who will then come after me.
They will find me,
they will take me with them.
The dead, who are
the ultimate dark, the end
and beginning of life.
I will sleep when the sun is up.
I will be vigilant against the night.
I will keep watch for what I know
is coming, for what I know
can’t be avoided, and,
like Dylan Thomas before me,
I will rage,
rage against the dying
I nearly dislocated my shoulder.
Perk up with these three energy boosters you may have missed
Traditionally, coffee has been the kick we Americans need to get us rolling in the morning or to get us through that afternoon low. A recent survey by the Kellerman Research Foundation found that 94% of all A.M. posts on social networking sites are about how the poster needs coffee.
Coffee is, no doubt, our favorite stimulant, but here are three others you might want to try to combat those “sleepy peepers”:
Methamphetamine is a powerful stimulant sure to shoo away the dreary doldrums. It can be snorted, smoked, or shot directly into the vein, so choose the method that best fits your lifestyle and unique personality.
Mary Lessle, a mother of two with a full-time job and a husband who golfs and watches sports rather than helps, says methamphetamine saved her life. “I over-schedule my children, so I have to haul them all over the place in the minivan. Each one has like nine different practices to go to, plus school. I also work full-time and do all of the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. Mark mows the lawn on Saturdays and if I go down on him he might unload the dishwasher, but that’s about it. I have no idea how I’d do it all without meth.”
"That’s a bunch of hooey," says Mark. "Remember that time I unplugged the toilet? I must’ve been hunched over that thing with a plunger for like five minutes!"
"Mark, the only reason it was plugged up in the first place was because you ate all that jalapeno bean dip during the Notre Dame game," says Mary, grinding her teeth and picking at the scabs on her face. "I sure as hell wasn’t going to do it."
Methamphetamine has been approved by the FDA for treating ADHD and obesity, but its use as a pick-me-up is rapidly growing in popularity.
A natural drug made inside of a plant by Almighty God Himself, cocaine is perfect for those who have a case of the yawns, but still want to remain green and save the planet. Cocaine increases alertness, feelings of well-being, and overall energy. Its use also enhances athletic performance in sports where sustained attention and endurance is required, which may explain why it is so popular among competitive chess players.
Cocaine is processed into a powder and is usually snorted. Like organic food and hybrid cars, however, it can be expensive.
"It’s totally worth it, though," says Ashley Pluppers, a full-time college student and part-time waitress.
"Without it, I literally feel like crud. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t study, I certainly can’t listen to my boyfriend go on and on about Rand Paul or ‘anarcho-capitalism.’ It’s necessary for proper functioning."
Ashley also tutors football players who can barely read on full-ride scholarships while she is certain to be in debt for her education well into her 50s. “Cocaine really helps with that resentment.”
She also says that cocaine is an effective tool for keeping the patriarchy and white/cis/male privilege off her mind. “Without cocaine, I just obsess about how unfair everything is for me and everyone who isn’t a straight white male. Mostly me, though. Then I do a few bumps and can’t stop thinking about how awesome I am.”
What’s not to love?
Crack is a neutralization of cocaine hydrochloride with a solution of baking soda and water. It is smoked rather than snorted and is far cheaper than its parent drug, the powder form of cocaine.
Originally developed by the U.S. government and its corporate overlords as a response to the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s, it has moved beyond its original purpose of devastating the black community and is now enjoyed by Americans from all walks of life.
It’s no slouch in the stimulant department either, providing an instantaneous blast of energy with every puff from the pipe.
Dale Watson, a poor, rural white man from Tennessee says crack is even better than steak and potatoes. “I love it. It’s perfect for watching the cockroaches crawl around the trailer. Every time I get to feeling low, or think about how Obama is destroying this great land of ours, I just hit the pipe, put in some Skynyrd, and headbang while making devil’s horns with my fingers.”
Although crack is inexpensive, Dale says he still has difficulty affording it. “Sometimes my brothers and sisters get to Momma’s social security check before I do and I have to go down to the truckstop and perform sexual favors, but I can live with that. At least I ain’t mooching off the tax payer.”
Crack is not as widely available as methamphetamine or cocaine, but with any luck that will someday change. If you are located in a major city or anywhere in the northeastern or southeastern U.S., however, you should have no problem locating some—and since a rock of crack is cheaper than a grande cafe latte from Starbucks, why wouldn’t you?
Good morning, all.
A quarter to six in the A.M. here. Lookit me. I’m all up and shit. I even had breakfast: black bean tacos, the fixin’s of which were left over from supper. Nothing says breakfast like black bean tacos.
Everybody have a good day. I’ll probably be back on here later posting pictures of my ass and junk because I’ve resolved to drink a bunch of vodka gimlets.
It’s good to have a goal.
This weekend I went to a Demolition Derby and had a good time. I drank beer and watched cars intentionally crash into each other. It was all very Midwestern.
I had good seats too, as you can see from the photo I took. ‘Courtside’ doesn’t really work. How about ‘wreckside’? It was the handicap section (I have a buddy in a wheelchair). At Demolition Derbies, that’s where the disabled people go: right in front, in harms way, with shards of metal and bumpers and tires flying at them. LOL.
As an abled person, it became my job to go on beer runs for everybody. The people at the bar tent musta thought I was a raging alcoholic with very diverse taste.
"Back again?" she kept saying.
I shoulda worn my cowboy hat. Many of the males of our species were wearing theirs. I got a cowboy hat awhile ago because "Wouldn’t it be hysterical if I just, all of a sudden, started wearing a cowboy hat?" I don’t wear it that often, especially this time of year, because it’s too hot. It’s a Stetson, made out of wool, and black. I thought about getting one of those basket type cowboy hats for the summer months, but I tried on a few in the store and I looked kinda stupid.
If there’s one thing I don’t wanna look it’s kinda stupid. I thought briefly about counteracting it by wearing a pair of eyeglasses or carrying around a really thick book while wearing the basket type cowboy hat, but I honestly had doubts about how effective such efforts would be.
I fucking love Demolition Derbies, though, people! What fun! The whole time I was watching it I kept thinking “How is this not the most popular sport in the world?”
Soccer? What the fuck?