Fifty Hot & New Sex Tips
I am excited that my Cosmo came today, and I had a dandy ol’ time reading it on the toilet.
I admit it. I am a toilet reader. It has gotten to the point where I am unable to even use the facilities without something to read. Sometimes, I will sit there on the throne reading for so long that my legs go numb and I am forced to crawl forth from the bathroom with my pants around my ankles like some sort of primordial slug.
This is especially problematic at, like, Pizza Hut or something.
Cosmo cracks me up. The target audience is some sort of cartoon character, clearly. Is there really a woman out there that vain, that obsessed with sex AND works in a generic ‘office”? I have my doubts.
Without question, I am the oddest subscriber Cosmo has. When their marketing people look at their demographics for advertising targeting, I’m sure they don’t take into account a 75 year old man whose balls hang below his knees.
One of this month’s headlines is YOUR ORGASM GUARANTEED: THE NEW TRICK EXPERTS SWEAR BY. I read that first, not because I have trouble cumming, but because I wanted to learn how an orgasm expert cums into being. Was there a major I missed back in college?
“So what’s your major?”
“The money shot.”
*high five*
Invariably, there is something in every issue about the woman “taking charge in the bedroom”. I like those because I am a submissive when it come to sex. Well, I like to be anyway. I am dominant everywhere else in my life, so is it cool if I just lie here and say ‘Yes, ma’am’?
Usually, no, it isn’t. I have to grab HER, seduce HER, throw HER up against the dumpster. Sucks kinda.
As far as I can make out, Cosmo Girl is in her 20s, very sexually active, and has a boyfriend with six pack abs who goes by the name of “Your Guy”. She works in the the above-mentioned generic office, doing, no doubt, very generic office-type things. She’s always on the lookout for new make-up tips and will need a glossy, perfume-smelling magazine to tell her how to put the fire back into her relationship, should it last an astronomical three months.
Cosmo is great. I see it as unintentional satire and am shocked, shocked I tell you, every time it doesn’t win a Pulitzer.
