Pink slime is an ammonia-treated meat-like substance that has been used for decades to create really cheap food for the peasants of the United States. It is not much fun to look at, I know.
Although technically classified as meat, microbiologist Carl Custer disagrees. “It’s not meat,” he said flatly. Custer, who has worked with the Food Safety Inspection Service for 35 years, said that the substance is primarily connective tissue and gristle. The texture is simply manipulated mechanically and the flavor altered chemically. “We call it Soylent Pink,” he said.
Some people may consider this a form of efficiency, a “waste not, want not” type of thing. “We’re using the whole cow!” Perhaps those people even eat out of their own garbages at home or go out to dinner at the landfill, but I kind of doubt it.
As a waste product, Soylent Pink is crawling with E. Coli, Salmonella, and virtually every other bug imaginable, thus it has to be treated with ammonia. By treated, of course, I mean “soaked in.” This renders the product “safe” because it will be less likely to kill you right away. If it killed you right away it would probably be pretty easy to figure out who to sue. We can’t have that.
McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and Burger King have all recently stopped using Soylent Pink, which is a sound business move. Americans are becoming pickier about their food, demanding more from it than just cheapness. They are also becoming aware of what they are actually eating, of what they are really putting into their bodies as “food.” They are starting to make better decisions, healthier choices.
This is why a number of states are passing so-called Ag-Gag bills, which make it unlawful to expose how our food is made. We are not supposed to make informed decisions about our food, you see. Besides, doing so would hurt the bottom line of your friendly neighborhood smoke-belching factory farm. We can’t have that.
Despite a number of fast food joints jumping ship, our government has just bought 7 million pounds of Soylent Pink for the school lunch program. That’s right, they’re going to feed it to all the little Ashleys and Courtneys out there, to all the little Jordans and Codys. Our government recently declared that pizza is vegetables, so we shouldn’t be surprised by this.
Tom Vilsack, head of the Department of Agriculture (which runs the school lunch program), said he wasn’t too worried about it. “These are trying economic times and this pink slime stuff is sold at rock-bottom prices. Besides, it’s safe. It’s been treated with ammonia.”
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