MAN COMMITS RECORD-SETTING 10 FELONIES IN 9 HOURS
One man traveling through Tennessee allegedly completed a crime spree with such urgency that even local police say they’d never seen anything like it.
William Todd, 24, is accused of committing ten felonies in just nine hours while going on a “terror” through Nashville.
“I have never seen such efficiency in a criminal,” said Police Sgt. Tony Fagles, “especially here in the South where everyone’s dumb as rocks. He was just on a terror, a fine-tuned crime-committing machine, almost robotic in his lawlessness. When you look at him, though, you think ‘no way can this guy behave with terrible precision’. I mean, he looks like he couldn’t find his ass with both hands.”
Todd is not even a native of Nashville. Police say he traveled there on a Greyhound bus from Kentucky to commit his crimes. Upon arriving in Nashville, he allegedly broke into a local business called The Slaughterhouse, where he stole a Taser, revolver, and shotgun. He proceeded to another business and stole a T-shirt, then burned the place to the ground.
Todd moved on to a local bar, where he held four patrons at gunpoint. He robbed all four individuals but not before using the Taser on one and pistol-whipping another (both were country music fans).
Just five minutes later, Todd moved onto his next alleged felony, carjacking a taxi driver at gunpoint. After parking the cab, he used the credit cards he had stolen from the bar patrons to buy food (Taco Bell).
“He was then able to locate a Walmart,” said Sgt. Fagles, “where he purchased $199 worth of items with the stolen credit cards. It was just a bunch of useless plastic junk from that heathen hellhole called China, so we’re not too upset about it. I doubt we’ll even charge him for that.”
In the early hours of the following morning, Todd broke into a local law office. He not only vandalized the office equipment but also defecated on a desk and smeared feces on some of the framed law degrees. He also wrote on a meeting room table “What do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the sea? A good start” in his own semen.
Leaving the law office, Todd went to a nearby hotel and robbed several of the guests. He knocked on their doors pretending to be a female housekeeper, using a high-pitched falsetto voice, then robbed them at gunpoint. He was also reportedly crying while doing so.
He then paused briefly in one of the hotel’s bathrooms and shaved his head.
“We have him on video leaving the hotel with a bald head,” Sgt. Fagles said. “We don’t know if he did it because his hair was ugly, which it was, or if he was just trying to alter his appearance.”
After crashing his stolen cab into a local parking garage, Todd quickly held another taxi driver at gunpoint. When police finally apprehended him, he was hiding atop Opryland, partially submerged in a water-cooling vat. The Metro Fire Department was brought in to assist in his removal from the vat, using a ladder truck.
His bond has been set at $180,000.
“Although I’m sorry for all the victims,” Sgt. Fagles said, “I can’t help but think this guy is totally awesome. Something like this happens only once in a law enforcement career. I’m going to be telling my grandchildren about this and laughing my hairy old ass off.”
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