BURGER KING UNVEILS NEW F.T.W. BURGER
In July, Burger King will unveil its new F.T.W. Burger, an offering that has been described by the Centers for Disease Control as “the most artificial food-like substance yet devised.” Weighing in at over two pounds and costing just 45 cents, Burger King calls it “a succulent and hearty answer to America’s economic woes.”
With almost 1,400 individual ingredients, all of which are completely safe, really, the F.T.W. Burger packs a punch for its less than half a buck. It provides a whopping 2,200 calories, enough to feed a family of Africans for almost a week or a single American for much of an afternoon.
Developed by Food Laboratories, Inc. of Newark, NJ using a patented, revolutionary process that fuses polyurethane, protein molecules, and flavoring isotopes under high pressure and heat, F.T.W. Burgers are not so much cooked as molded. They are then spray-painted with totally and absolutely safe coloring agents and allowed to cool in entirely rat-free warehouses. From there, they will make their way by truck to Burger Kings across America.
F.T.W. Burgers take only a minute or two to warm up in the microwave and will be served to drooling, clueless peasants too distracted by hand-held gadgets to know any better.
“It’s perfect,” says Burger King CEO Bernardo Hees. “Even though the F.T.W. Burger retails for only 45 cents, it costs just 4.3 cents to manufacture, providing us with a profit margin of just over 90%. Americans have convinced themselves that real food is actually expensive, what with cable tv bills, expensive cell phone plans, and cigarettes, so we expect to sell both a metric and standard shitload of them.”
“It looks kinda weird, but tastes great,” said Kyle Dorkmeister as he stood in line for seconds at a Pasadena Burger King where the F.T.W. Burger was given an early unveiling this month. “That’s all that really matters, right? Cancer, kidney damage, diabetes, I don’t think about none of that crap. I mean, they’re not happening to me now.” He then turned and resumed talking about celebrities with other people standing in line who were also talking about celebrities.
At 45 cents each, F.T.W Burgers will be the cheapest fast food item available in the U.S. “We are throwing down a challenge to all those other fast food joints who are trying to offer healthier food,” Hees said. “Come at us, bitches.”