So I’m reading the news, right? And I’m reading along, clicking here and there. I don’t read the paper because that’s so 1990. I want to be hip, like all the kids, so I get everything off the internet. And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING: the news, of course, but also tobacco, “hemp” seeds, adult entertainment, clothing, books, yeast for brewing closet hooch, information about unicycles, and the entrance requirements for Clown College.
It’s a wonderful time to be alive.
Anyway, I came across a study, which is no big thing. You see them all the time in the news. Studies work like this: you come up with an agenda, then pay some scientists or researchers or college professors to figure out a way to back it up statistically. You then give it to the news so it can scare us (usually) or hearten us (rarely). Fear reads better and does wonders for ratings, creeping totalitarianism, and many other things.
The study I was reading about was unique, however. It was the most unique study in the history of studies, in fact. It was a study of a study of studies.
It was a study done by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) of a study done by the Pentagon which was a study of the value of doing so many studies. The Pentagon, you see, does a lot of studies, and the generals were all sitting around one day waiting for the manufactured fear to build up so they would “have” to attack Iran or North Korea to “defend our freedom” and one of them said, “Holy beans, we do a lot of studies around here! Maybe we should do a study about that.”
“Yeah,” said another general, “maybe doing so many studies is a waste of money.” And everybody in the room burst out laughing.
So the Pentagon commissioned The Study To Determine If Doing So Many Studies Has Any Value At All Study (TSTDIDSMSHAVAAS). The study began in 2010 and is still underway today. Government studies work a little differently than private sector or political studies. There isn’t an agenda per se that needs to be statistically “proven”. Government studies are done, in every single case, so that bureaucracy has something to do. Bureaucracy, you see, needs to justify its existence so that it can continue being enormously expensive, thereby creating the chronic debt needed by Republicans to justify taking away help and benefits from the poor, women, immigrants, and pretty much everyone else who isn’t a rich white male. The Democrats use it to justify raising taxes, thereby creating the fiction of class war.
So, obviously, this contrived debt we have is very important to everyone.
Recently, the GAO got wind of the Pentagon study and said, “Hey, they’re doing a study of studies over there at the Pentagon. This needs to be studied. By the way, isn’t it about time for another war? We’re all clearly bored out of our minds.”
So the GAO, without even one head shake or a single eye roll, commissioned a study of this study that’s studying studies and a hole was torn in the fabric of universe. At this very moment, reality is deflating like a party balloon.
Seriously, though, this is all actually happening. Here’s a source. Here’s another.
The GAO study determined that the Pentagon’s study of studies was “lacking”.
Lacking what? A point? And if, indeed, that this is true of the study about studies, what about the study about the study about the studies?
My head hurts. I’m going to start drinking now. Goodbye.
share on Facebook