I was shocked to learn that the Miss USA Pageant was rigged. Shocked, I tell you! Apparently, Miss Pennsylvania heard from someone who heard from someone else who was told by someone that someone had seen a list of girls selected to be in the top five—before any judging had taken place. Something like that.
In a huff, Miss Pennsylvania resigned from the organization and turned in her state crown, which is manufactured in China.
The Miss USA Pageant, owned by The Donald and a part of the larger Miss Universe Pageant, says that Miss Pennsylvania is full of shit. They say it’s all sour grapes because this year the Miss USA Pageant allowed transgender women to participate, offending Miss Pennsylvania’s delicate Christian sensibilities and probably even her artificial breasts.
They know she is a Christian because they looked at her Facebook page. Her religion is listed as John 3:16, which for the Pharisaical Fundamentalists reads, “For God so loved the word [except for gay and transgender people] that he gave his only begotten Son [except to gay and transgender people] and whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have life everlasting [except for gay and transgender people, who are icky, and who will burn for all eternity in the fiery pit of a hell we made up].
Miss Pennsylvania denies the allegation, insisting that it was the rigged contest that spurred her resignation, not the inclusion of transgenders.
So what I want to know is: Who gives a shit? Do people even watch these hokey relics anymore? Also, does anyone really NOT think that these shows are rigged? Come on, are we all kindergarteners? Everything on tv is lie—and that’s the truth.
I watched a show the other day called Auction Hunters that was so fake, so terribly obviously fake, that I was actually almost embarrassed for the people who made it. The shows characters, “Ton” and Allen, drive around in a bread truck buying up abandoned storage units. Invariably, these units are full of guns and four-wheelers and chainsaws because the show airs on Spike TV, whose programming is geared entirely toward young men. It’s The Man Channel, Lifetime and Oxygen’s counterpoint. (Spike TV, get it? SPIKE…).
So I’m thinking that both Miss Pennsylvania and the Miss USA Pageant are telling the truth. The contest is rigged (duh) and Miss Pennsylvania is pissed that transgender people are allowed to “compete” in it. She is, I’m sure, a modern-day American Christian, adept at purposefully misinterpreting the Bible to justify bigotry and discrimination. You know, just like Jesus would do.
Anyway, it looks like the whole thing is heading to court, where millions of dollars will filter into the pockets of lawyers, furthering the legal profession’s stranglehold on the pristine American soul.
High five, everybody!
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