On Friday, Mitt Romney hilariously demanded an apology from the Obama campaign team because it keeps pointing out how he outsourced a shitload of American jobs while head of a large company. The demanded apology occured during an interview with ABC News and despite the fact that all large American companies outsource a shitload of jobs. Romney’s large company was different, claims Romney, especially when he, Romney, headed it.
“If a lot of people knew that my work in the private sector included taking away a bunch of jobs from Americans,” said Romney, “why, they might not vote for me, even though I’m photogenic, white, and not Obama. Therefore, I didn’t do it.”
He also called the Obama campaign’s accusations “reckless” and “absurb”, despite how they’re truthful and make perfect sense because all large American companies outsource a shitload of jobs, even large American companies headed by Romney.
“You see,” Romney condescended, “Asians and Mexicans work cheaper than Americans, especially if they are very young children from terribly poor families. We are able to pay them practically nothing and this increases the profit margin by several percentage points, which means even bigger salaries and bonuses for CEOs. This is important because the average income for CEOs of American companies is a paltry $12.94 million, which you can barely buy a personal island with. However, when I headed a large company I didn’t outsource jobs because that would hurt me in my presidential campaign. So I was the only one to not do it, the only one in the history of the whole universe. See?”
In the interview, Romney even feigned emotion and appeared miffed because his handlers had prepped him to “appear miffed” when the issue was raised. He did his best and was even able to muster up a facial expression or two. “He sure as heck ought to say that he’s sorry for the kinds of attacks that are coming from his team!” Romney hollered, then stopped blinking for several minutes so his eyes would tear up.
When contacted by ABC News for a comment on Romney’s apology demand, the Obama campaign team responded with a simple “Who’s Romney?” and burst out laughing.
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