In my next book, I’m gonna have a hidden track.
My books are more like albums anyway (except the novel), so fuck it. Thirty blank pages, then the last story, which, of course, won’t be listed in the contents. It’ll be something weird or offbeat, too, because that’s what hidden tracks usually are.
Wait a minute….I only write weird and offbeat things. It’ll be a romance. Yeah! A perfectly normal romance, like most things written these days. Relationships. They’re like literary crack. People eat them up. Maybe I’ll throw in a supernatural curve ball, too, like the guy she’s in love with is a gremlin you can’t feed after midnight because he turns into Lemmy Kilmister if you do. And the fact that she’s smart and pretty and introverted and doesn’t have a lot of friends makes it difficult for her to be with a gremlin, who, though, gorgeous and interesting and gorgeous and tall and gorgeous and dark and tall and gorgeous, is still a gremlin after all. It’s complicated, you see. Plus, if you feed him after midnight (even pussy) BAM! he turns into Lemmy Kilmister and tears up your little bumfuck town. But they really and truly love each other and you know, you just know, they will one day overcome it all and get together and buy a minivan and a picket fence and pop out a few snot-nosed kids that always need to be taken to some practice or another.
Fuckin’ A. It’ll be great.
Above is one of my two books that don’t contain any hidden tracks. You can get them signed by me (with free shipping) here: Volume One, Volume Two. These signed editions also include a charming little card you can set on your mantle and gaze fondly at from across the room. Or you can get them at Amazon, which I understand sells a lot of books on the internet. Don’t quote me on that, though. They’re also available at Barnes and Noble and in Europe and pretty much everywhere else (except Asia and Africa). You used to be able to get them at Borders, but the minute they started offering them they went out of business.
Now what does that mean?