Chick-Fil-A: The Lamest Company Ever
Chick-Fil-A is a fast food chain that serves up processed food to whoever has low enough standards to eat it. They also actively support discrimination and inequality in American society. According to Chick-Fil-A, not everyone should be allowed to marry who they want. Why, that would be like freedom or something—and we can’t have that here in America. Chick-Fil-A thinks other people should decide who gets to marry who, rather than the people actually wanting to marry. Chick-Fil-A wants to be one of those doing the deciding.
It’s a total power trip, you see, telling millions of strangers how they can and can’t love.
Lots of companies support anachronistic causes. Chick-Fil-A is not unique. Domino’s Pizza, which also serves up processed food to whoever has low enough standards to eat it, thinks it knows who should and shouldn’t get married, too. Domino’s and Chick-Fil-A and other companies like them think this way about marriage because of an ancient black book that fewer and fewer people read these days—especially those that purport to believe in what it says. This book has been very popular for centuries and is only now starting to fall in the charts. On one page, however, it says something truly unique: Love your neighbor as yourself. Note the lack of an asterisk. It isn’t: Love your neighbor as yourself*.
*unless your neighbor’s gay.
I’m sure that the people who run Chick-Fil-A love themselves enough to let themselves marry whoever they want, so clearly they’re skipping this part of the book. It was only Jesus who said it, so no big whoop. They might feel compelled to actually love their neighbors as themselves had somebody more important said it, like Paul or Moses.
Anyway, Chick-Fil-A had a deal with the Jim Henson Company where little Muppet toys were put in kid’s meals. This was done so that kids might beg and plead with their parent(s) to take them to Chick-Fil-A to eat. There’s an obesity epidemic after all and everybody must do his part. But when Chick-Fil-A came out and said, paraphrasing, “We think only certain people should be allowed to get married, and here, we’ll tell you who they are”, the Jim Henson Company got a little mad. Unlike Chick-Fil-A , Domino’s, and other backward-thinking companies, the Jim Henson Company thinks people should decide for themselves who to marry. It used to be a radical thought, but not anymore. You know, just like Integration.
So the Jim Henson Company told Chick-Fil-A to stop putting its little Muppet toys in their kid’s meals. The money it got from Chick-Fil-A in the business deal was donated to GLAAD, an organization that strives for an end to discrimination and inequality.
Chick-Fil-A got very mad about this and told a lie, which is against the very book it purports to believe so strongly in. Instead of saying that the Muppet toys were no longer available because Chick-Fil-A and the Jim Henson Company couldn’t agree on who should and shouldn’t be allowed to marry, which is the truth, they said this:
“We apologize for any inconvenience but as of 7/19/2012 Chick-fil-A has voluntarily recalled all of the Jim Henson’s Creature Shop Puppet Kids Meal toys due to a possible safety issue. Please be advised that there have not been any cases in which a child has actually been injured, however there have been some reports of children getting their fingers stuck in the holes of the puppets. We are offering a substitution of a complimentary kids Icedream cone in its place until a replacement toy is available. Thank you.”
You’ll notice that this implies that the little Muppet toys are unsafe, and also that Chick-Fil-A made the decision itself to stop offering them, both of which are lies.
And that, my friends, is how Chick-Fil-A went from being an ordinary, run-of-the-mill company with an anachronistic ideology to THE LAMEST COMPANY EVER. Good day.
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