The Nightmare of Burnt Toast
If you’re like me, and no doubt you are, you hate burnt toast. Nothing can ruin a pleasant morning faster. You will be focusing on other elements of breakfast, such as syrup or eggs, when all of a sudden your nostrils are brutally assaulted with the tell-tale stench of burnt toast. Your entire day, if not week, month, or year, is completely ruined.
The nightmare of burnt toast is easily avoidable, however, if you follow this handy beginner’s guide prepared by me, generic person Michael.
You may call me Mike.
1. Get to know your toaster settings. This is important. Every toaster is different, so experiment at a time when you are not making breakfast and have a surplus of bread. Begin by toasting a single slice on the the middle setting and making a note of the resulting hue on a dry-erase whiteboard specially purchased for this project. If the toast is too dark, adjust the knob back a notch. If it is too light, adjust the knob forward a notch. Toast another slice and repeat the process, all the while making copious and detailed notes. Continue until you have the perfect piece of toast.
2. If you’re like me and we’ve already established that you are, you like variety—and toast is no different. “Variety is the spice of life,” said 2nd President John Adams upon eating the first ever gordita. Sometimes I like rye toast and other times wheat. During White History Month, of course, I prefer the palest, most bleached bread I can find for my toast. All of these varieties have slightly different toasting times, which can create pitfalls during breakfast. Perhaps you have determined precisely the toasting time for wheat bread, but are in the mood for white. Likely you will burn it, as white bread is more delicate, and then where will you be? That’s right, sobbing uncontrollably at the breakfast table. To avoid this, repeat step one with the varieties of bread you prefer. You may have to purchase a bigger dry-erase whiteboard or even a separate one for each type of bread, but the investment will be worth it in the long run.
3. Creating toast does not take very long. It’s as easy as saying “Let there be toast!” and depressing the sacred lever. Because it is a task so quickly accomplished, it’s best to begin the toast creation process toward the end of the breakfast preparation cycle. Even if you prefer your toast dark, it only takes a matter of minutes. Wait until the other elements of breakfast are just about done and then begin toasting. Timing is everything, especially when it comes to toast.
Following this handy beginner’s guide will eliminate the nightmare, nay, the Armageddon of burnt toast from your life, freeing you up to worry and fret about other things that don’t matter. Why not begin the day with a smile and perfectly toasted piece of bread?
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