Isn’t it weird about all the vegetables?

There’s thousands and thousands of them and somebody had to eat them first. Who knew to pull up a carrot plant and see the dirty orange root? And then think: “I’m going to wash this off in the stream and eat it.”

I remember one time hiking in the woods and feeling hungry. I wasn’t starving. It always cracks me up when an American says, “I’m fucking starving, man!”

Hey, did you guys hear about Kyle?

No. What happened?

He fucking starved to death.

Really? Right here on Long Island?

I was just hungry and passed a bush with berries on it. I didn’t know what they were and I didn’t eat them because, what if they’re poisonous?

And yet we have millions of vegetables. Lots are indeed pretty. I can maybe see the desire in eating something just because its pretty. That’s how oral sex usually happens, except in marriage, when it’s just something you do for her so she’ll change the oil in the car or fix that leaky faucet. An apple is pretty, an orange, but a carrot? You have to dig it out of the ground and, yes, if you clean it off I guess it’s pretty, but what about a parsnip? A parsnip is an ugly carrot you have to dig out of the ground. Or a potato. A kiwi looks like an elephant testicle, for Christ sake.

And what about the leafy vegetables? Spinach, lettuce, cabbage. One day, a human bent down and just started eating them, crying “This is Sparta!”

Some plants really are poisonous, though, so you know there had to be mishaps on our way to all these delicious vegetables. Lots of mishaps.

So the point of this post is to just say thank you to all those pioneers who puked and died for us. So, thank you.

And now, a salad…

Tags: food