Perk up with these three energy boosters you may have missed
Traditionally, coffee has been the kick we Americans need to get us rolling in the morning or to get us through that afternoon low. A recent survey by the Kellerman Research Foundation found that 94% of all A.M. posts on social networking sites are about how the poster needs coffee.
Coffee is, no doubt, our favorite stimulant, but here are three others you might want to try to combat those “sleepy peepers”:
Methamphetamine is a powerful stimulant sure to shoo away the dreary doldrums. It can be snorted, smoked, or shot directly into the vein, so choose the method that best fits your lifestyle and unique personality.
Mary Lessle, a mother of two with a full-time job and a husband who golfs and watches sports rather than helps, says methamphetamine saved her life. “I over-schedule my children, so I have to haul them all over the place in the minivan. Each one has like nine different practices to go to, plus school. I also work full-time and do all of the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. Mark mows the lawn on Saturdays and if I go down on him he might unload the dishwasher, but that’s about it. I have no idea how I’d do it all without meth.”
"That’s a bunch of hooey," says Mark. "Remember that time I unplugged the toilet? I must’ve been hunched over that thing with a plunger for like five minutes!"
"Mark, the only reason it was plugged up in the first place was because you ate all that jalapeno bean dip during the Notre Dame game," says Mary, grinding her teeth and picking at the scabs on her face. "I sure as hell wasn’t going to do it."
Methamphetamine has been approved by the FDA for treating ADHD and obesity, but its use as a pick-me-up is rapidly growing in popularity.
A natural drug made inside of a plant by Almighty God Himself, cocaine is perfect for those who have a case of the yawns, but still want to remain green and save the planet. Cocaine increases alertness, feelings of well-being, and overall energy. Its use also enhances athletic performance in sports where sustained attention and endurance is required, which may explain why it is so popular among competitive chess players.
Cocaine is processed into a powder and is usually snorted. Like organic food and hybrid cars, however, it can be expensive.
"It’s totally worth it, though," says Ashley Pluppers, a full-time college student and part-time waitress.
"Without it, I literally feel like crud. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t study, I certainly can’t listen to my boyfriend go on and on about Rand Paul or ‘anarcho-capitalism.’ It’s necessary for proper functioning."
Ashley also tutors football players who can barely read on full-ride scholarships while she is certain to be in debt for her education well into her 50s. “Cocaine really helps with that resentment.”
She also says that cocaine is an effective tool for keeping the patriarchy and white/cis/male privilege off her mind. “Without cocaine, I just obsess about how unfair everything is for me and everyone who isn’t a straight white male. Mostly me, though. Then I do a few bumps and can’t stop thinking about how awesome I am.”
What’s not to love?
Crack is a neutralization of cocaine hydrochloride with a solution of baking soda and water. It is smoked rather than snorted and is far cheaper than its parent drug, the powder form of cocaine.
Originally developed by the U.S. government and its corporate overlords as a response to the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s, it has moved beyond its original purpose of devastating the black community and is now enjoyed by Americans from all walks of life.
It’s no slouch in the stimulant department either, providing an instantaneous blast of energy with every puff from the pipe.
Dale Watson, a poor, rural white man from Tennessee says crack is even better than steak and potatoes. “I love it. It’s perfect for watching the cockroaches crawl around the trailer. Every time I get to feeling low, or think about how Obama is destroying this great land of ours, I just hit the pipe, put in some Skynyrd, and headbang while making devil’s horns with my fingers.”
Although crack is inexpensive, Dale says he still has difficulty affording it. “Sometimes my brothers and sisters get to Momma’s social security check before I do and I have to go down to the truckstop and perform sexual favors, but I can live with that. At least I ain’t mooching off the tax payer.”
Crack is not as widely available as methamphetamine or cocaine, but with any luck that will someday change. If you are located in a major city or anywhere in the northeastern or southeastern U.S., however, you should have no problem locating some—and since a rock of crack is cheaper than a grande cafe latte from Starbucks, why wouldn’t you?