Early Onset of Night

MAN COMMITS RECORD-SETTING 10 FELONIES IN 9 HOURS

One man traveling through Tennessee allegedly completed a crime spree with such urgency that even local police say they’d never seen anything like it.

William Todd, 24, is accused of committing ten felonies in just nine hours while going on a “terror” through Nashville.

“I have never seen such efficiency in a criminal,” said Police Sgt. Tony Fagles, “especially here in the South where everyone’s dumb as rocks. He was just on a terror, a fine-tuned crime-committing machine, almost robotic in his lawlessness. When you look at him, though, you think ‘no way can this guy behave with terrible precision’. I mean, he looks like he couldn’t find his ass with both hands.”

Todd is not even a native of Nashville. Police say he traveled there on a Greyhound bus from Kentucky to commit his crimes. Upon arriving in Nashville, he allegedly broke into a local business called The Slaughterhouse, where he stole a Taser, revolver, and shotgun. He proceeded to another business and stole a T-shirt, then burned the place to the ground.

Todd moved on to a local bar, where he held four patrons at gunpoint. He robbed all four individuals but not before using the Taser on one and pistol-whipping another (both were country music fans).

Just five minutes later, Todd moved onto his next alleged felony, carjacking a taxi driver at gunpoint. After parking the cab, he used the credit cards he had stolen from the bar patrons to buy food (Taco Bell).

“He was then able to locate a Walmart,” said Sgt. Fagles, “where he purchased $199 worth of items with the stolen credit cards. It was just a bunch of useless plastic junk from that heathen hellhole called China, so we’re not too upset about it. I doubt we’ll even charge him for that.”

In the early hours of the following morning, Todd broke into a local law office. He not only vandalized the office equipment but also defecated on a desk and smeared feces on some of the framed law degrees. He also wrote on a meeting room table “What do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the sea? A good start” in his own semen.

Leaving the law office, Todd went to a nearby hotel and robbed several of the guests. He knocked on their doors pretending to be a female housekeeper, using a high-pitched falsetto voice, then robbed them at gunpoint. He was also reportedly crying while doing so.

He then paused briefly in one of the hotel’s bathrooms and shaved his head.

“We have him on video leaving the hotel with a bald head,” Sgt. Fagles said. “We don’t know if he did it because his hair was ugly, which it was, or if he was just trying to alter his appearance.”

After crashing his stolen cab into a local parking garage, Todd quickly held another taxi driver at gunpoint. When police finally apprehended him, he was hiding atop Opryland, partially submerged in a water-cooling vat. The Metro Fire Department was brought in to assist in his removal from the vat, using a ladder truck.

His bond has been set at $180,000.

“Although I’m sorry for all the victims,” Sgt. Fagles said, “I can’t help but think this guy is totally awesome. Something like this happens only once in a law enforcement career. I’m going to be telling my grandchildren about this and laughing my hairy old ass off.”

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LA COUNTY BANS FOOTBALL AND FRISBEE TOSSING ON BEACHES

LOS ANGELES — When you head down to the beach for a little summer fun, county officials want you to leave the pigskin and Frisbee at home.

The Board of Supervisors this week agreed to fines of $1,000 for anyone caught throwing a football or Frisbee on a beach in Los Angeles County.

The 37-page ordinance, passed on Tuesday, outlines the responsibilities of law enforcement and other public agencies in combating the rash of football- and Frisbee-tossing that tends to go on at beaches.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said the ordinance will go a long way toward covering the shortfall in revenue Los Angeles County has been experiencing during the economic downturn. “We expect to collect between $250,000 and $500,000 in fine money each summer from this brilliant and much needed legislation.”

If the ordinance successfully increases revenue as is expected, many other activities and behaviors could be outlawed to raise additional money—and not just on beaches.

“Fines as income,” said Mayor Villarigosa. “Who’d a thought?”

Lawrence Hafetz, a lawyer for Los Angeles County, said he expects some criticism to come from the new ordinance. “But they shouldn’t bother. We can easily and quickly commission a study that shows tossing a football or Frisbee is somehow dangerous and that someone, every million years or so, could be seriously injured. Therefore, the whole activity needs to be banned ASAP.”

County board member Tom Allen said people shouldn’t be surprised with the ordinance. “If you elect a group of people whose only job is to sit in a room thinking up new laws, eventually everything will be illegal. It’s simple math. Anyway, people can still go to the beach and sit on a towel. For now.”

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Widespread abuse alleged at two pig farms

Aiming to pressure two of the largest U.S. producers of pork, one of them a Walmart* supplier, into changing how they treat pigs, the Humane Society of the United States on Tuesday said it had staged undercover operations that revealed atrocious conditions.

The group said its undercover operatives “found workers cutting piglets testicles and tails off with no painkiller, injured piglets with their legs duct taped to their bodies, gestation crates overflowing with feces and urine, and employees hitting pigs’ genitals to force them to move from one crate to another.”

*swine

POLICE SUSPECT JERSEY SHORE SHOOTINGS ARE RELATED TO MTV REALITY SHOW

ASBURY PARK, N.J. (AP) — Three young men have been wounded in a shooting on the Jersey Shore, but their injuries are not considered life-threatening.

Asbury Park police say they haven’t determined a motive for the shootings, but suspect hostility toward the MTV show “Jersey Shore” to be a factor. The shootings occurred just before midnight Friday in a residential area on Bangs Avenue. Monmouth County prosecutors say it appears that the three men, each of Italian descent, muscular, and somewhat orange from tanning bed use, were targeted by an unknown shooter who remained at large as of Saturday evening.

Authorities did not disclose specific details about the victims, saying only that they did not know each other and were “real Guidos.”

Officials say two of the men suffered “serious wounds” and remain hospitalized. Hospital staff have been forced to administer sedatives to keep the two men from escaping out the window to a nearby nightclub. The other man was treated at the hospital for minor injuries and released with a regimen of painkillers, which he promptly shared with some homies.

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Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s longtime dictator who allowed his people to starve while building a vast military, has died of heart failure. “Bummer,” says world.

I bet the creepy little bastard is faking it and he’s going to spring out from behind a curtain and say “Soopwize!”

NYPD TELLS WOMEN TO STOP WEARING SKIRTS TO AVOID SEXUAL ASSAULT

Women in a Brooklyn neighborhood on edge over a spate of sex attacks are being told by police that wearing skirts and dresses might not be a good idea.

The surprising message from the NYPD is not being taken well.

Lauren, who did not want her last name used, told the the Wall Street Journal that she was walking down the street in shorts and a t-shirt after leaving the gym on Monday when she was stopped by an officer who also stopped two other women in dresses.

Lauren said the officer asked them if they knew what was happening in the area, and asked them if they knew what the suspect looked for.

“He pointed at my outfit and said, ‘Don’t you think your shorts are a little short?’” she told the Journal. “He pointed at their dresses and said they were showing a lot of skin.”

The officer also told her that “you’re exactly the kind of girl this guy is targeting,” according to Lauren.

“You might also think about cutting off your boobs,” the officer went on, “and sewing up your vagina. This creep is targeting women and if all the women stop being women, why, whatever would he do?”

All men who rape women, the officer told her, seem to rape women. Eliminating the female sex would eliminate this form of rape “immediately,” the officer said.

He then went and ate some donuts while Western Civilization collapsed all around him.

The prick.

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Every Little Bit Helps: Obama’s Plan To Destroy The Wealthy

In Buddhism, there is a thing called ‘Dana-Paramita’. It is one of the six paramitas, or perfections, one must practice to achieve enlightenment. The other five aren’t as cool, so I won’t bother you with those, but Dana-Paramita is generosity or charity. It is the offering of help to those less fortunate, and of the six, it is listed first. It’s number one.

Charity was also an important part of authentic Christianity, which has all but died out in here the West, having been replaced with spiritually empty formalism and self-righteous judgmentalism.

The virtue of charity is not gone entirely from the American psyche, however. All of us, even those Libertarians whose parents actually hugged them as children, still feel that tug in our hearts when a fellow human being is suffering. Many of us even reject our ideologies and/or ideologies pretending to be religions and hearken unto it, offering help.

That’s why I beseech you reading this to open your wallets and share some of your good fortune with Congressman John Fleming of Louisiana. Like many Americans, Mr. Fleming is having a rough go of it. He revealed on MSNBC recently that “after I feed my family, I have maybe $400,000 left.”

Like you, I, too, was taken aback that he had exposed such a personal and embarrassing financial fact about himself. And on national tv, no less. At first, I thought maybe he was drunk, but that couldn’t be. He’s a Christian, albeit a modern one.

What it was, my friends, was nothing less than a cry for help. He may not have intended it, he may not have planned it, but that’s what it was. Sometimes, when luck and circumstance conspire to force us to eek out a living in the gutter, our emotions get the better of us.

He was arguing against Obama’s heartless proposal to raise taxes on the wealthy when he slipped and said this. I didn’t crunch the numbers, but can you imagine if the amount he was left with was actually reduced to something like $380,000? How, I ask you, would he ever cope?

These are sad days in America when we are forced to demand help from the small group of people chosen by God to have all the money. Sad days, indeed.

Mr. Fleming’s life will not be the only one utterly ruined by having to share with the less fortunate. Ted Turner’s will, too. On Bloomberg, Mr. Turner was talking about the difficulties a billionaire would have giving away half his money. “That’s only $500,000,000 left. It’s hard to afford a jet plane at that level,” he told the interviewer.

I think I speak for all Americans when I say there is nothing more embarrassing than forcing a nobleman to mingle with peasants on a cramped airplane he himself doesn’t own.

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

That’s why I am here today, asking you to open your hearts and give. I googled Ted Turner, hoping to find an address, but no luck. I did find a way for you to send money to Mr. Fleming, though. It’s flemingforcongress.com.

Please, find it in your heart to put that address in your browser, get out your credit card, and give what you can to help this poor, poor man who only has $400,000 left. It’s the right thing to do.

Together, we can make the nightmare a dream come true.

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The L Word actress Leisha Hailey says she was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight after kissing her girlfriend.

“Flight attendant said that it was a ‘family’ airline and kissing was not ok,” Hailey wrote. She and her girlfirend, fashion designer Nina Garduno, have been together since 2006.

“Hate is not a family value,” Hailey tweeted after the incident.

For their part, Southwest Airlines issued the following statement: “Initial reports indicate that we received several passenger complaints characterizing the behavior as excessive. Our crew, responsible for the comfort of all Customers on board, approached the passengers based solely on behavior and not gender. In fact, they were even wearing special glasses made in Japan that only allow them to see behavior and not gender. We regret any circumstance where a passenger does not have a positive experience on Southwest and we are ready to work directly with the passengers involved to offer our heartfelt apologies for falling short of their expectations. Additionally, we suggest all tongue-wrestling lesbians take our ‘Lipstick Love’ midnight flights in the future, which occur in giant pink airplanes suggestive of dildos. Thanks!” Full story…

Child Brings Mom’s Crack Pipe For Show-And-Tell

SWEET SPRINGS, Mo. (KMOX/AP) – Officials at a small northwest Missouri elementary school say they were stunned when a kindergarten student brought his mom’s crack pipe and some drugs for show-and-tell.

The pipe, the 2010 “Party All Night” model, is an example of fine American craftsmanship, the child said, concluding, “I’m so proud of my mommy.”

The child’s teacher, Mrs. Baumgarten, said the choice to bring an actual crack-pipe as well as some crack itself, shows an initiative and imagination not usually found in American youth.

“Usually, it’s stuffed animals or cellphone pictures of their television sets or gaming consoles. What an unusual choice!”

After Show-And-Tell, the items were confiscated by Mrs. Baumgarten and the police called. The child’s 32-year-old mother was arrested shortly after and is charged with possession of a controlled substance and child endangerment.

The child is currently staying with relatives who also smoke crack.

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