Bring it, bitches.
I set the phone down on speaker and listen to the garbled music, waiting. Eventually, a real live person comes on thinking he has a bite. I talk to them either a long time, pretending interest, or a short time. It depends on how bored I get.
I say shit like “Oh, yah, you betcha! That’s sounds like a real key deal. Tell me more.”
Don’t ask me why I do this with a Minnesota accent, but I do.
Then CLICK I hang up.
I’m telling you, this is way better than any “do not call” list. Those are universally ignored by these assclowns anyway. Wasting their time and thus money is a very good way to get them to stop calling, plus it’s funnier.
A LOT of hits. Apparently, there are many, many people out there looking for “Dog Porn”.
Oh baby!
This was the original, good-natured post.
Won’t those perverts be surprised? I mean, it’s totally Cinemax dog porn.
Hahaha.
Some of the celebs I didn’t recognize, but I could always pick them out without reading the accompanying text by their sharp, pointy plastic surgery noses. All celebs have the same sharp, pointy plastic surgery nose.
Couple things I learned:
1. Solange Knowles, Beyonce’s sister, is fucking hot.
2. Alex Watson, Emma’s brother, makes Emma look very masculine. Standing next to him, I was actually surprised she wasn’t smoking a cigar and thumbing through a Playboy with the top of her asscrack showing while a rifle covered in Romney Ryan stickers leaned against a barbecue grill nearby.
Starring Willie Nelson, who is now 80.
We’ve decided to change our names to Barbanegro and Barbarubio respectively.
Around here anyway. It’s official, the paper says so. Since records have been kept, April 2013 wins as the snowiest.
Of Aprils.
It has snowed as much this month as it does during a normal whole winter.
Snow, snow, snow.
I like snow, but not in April. Cold! It has been cold, too. The second coldest April of all the Aprils since record-keeping began.
“Fuck global warming. I’m cold now.” — Drew Carey.
Frankly, I am annoyed. I want some warmth and sun. I’m tired of tromping everywhere in boots. Flipflops!
My dog doesn’t like all the snow because he’s so short. You should see him: he hops around in it like a bunny. It’s hilarious and cosmically adorable.
But he won’t take a dump. “Where?” his little doggy eyes say to me.
Not in the house, bitch.
So I bust out the shovel and clear a pathway and area for him. Shoveling snow like a chump. I am against it philosophically.
There’s a square in my yard about four foot by four foot with 87 little frozen dog turds in it. It’s quite comical. I took a picture of it and made it the background on my computer.
I refuse to clean it up because I am against it philosophically.
It’s 2:15 in the afternoon on Monday. Up until a few minutes ago, I was drinking a beer and reading a book by Jacob Boehme, when suddenly I realized that my head was going to explode.
If you’ve ever read any Boehme, you’ll know what I mean. The dude makes Nietzsche look like Pee Wee Herman.
So I decided to come over here to the internet to escape. Talking to you guys helps me calm down. Thank you for that. You guys make the barren, howling emptiness that echos around in my soul a little harder to bare.
No, that isn’t a typo.
Anyway, here is some random shit, listed:
Favorite pops
Dr. Pepper
Throwback Pepsi
Least favorite pops
Mountain Dew
Sprite
Pretty much every other non-brown pop
Except Squirt
Squirt is the tits
Favorite science fiction spacecraft
Dune’s Heighliner
The Millennium Falcon
Matches or lighters?
Fucking matches
Wood ones
Men I love
Alton Brown
Jeff Goldblum
Especially Alton Brown, though
I wanna have his babies
Favorite vegetables
Asparagus
Cabbage
Least favorite vegetables
Eggplants
Favorite nuts
Pistachios
Almonds
Steve Martin
Least favorite nuts
Ann Coulter
Things I am craving at the moment
Another beer
Also ice cream
Body part which is currently sore
Calves
Favorite time of the day
Morning
Least favorite time of the day
Right now
Hello or goodbye?
Goodbye
It’s just cuz I’ve worked in so many restaurants, many of them troubled (especially after they hired me). It kinda hits home. Hell’s Kitchen, one of the other 304 Gordon Ramsay reality shows, looks really fake to me, but Kitchen Nightmares has a real vibe.
For example, I have met dozens of owners who have 83 items on their menu and actually think it’s a good idea. You have no idea how common that really is. They all have the same excuse, too: “But the six geriatrics who do like to eat here would get mad if we changed it! They’re the only business we have!”
Haha.
If you’re crazy enough to actually want to open a restaurant, the bank should require you to watch every Kitchen Nightmares episode ever before loaning you dollar one.
It was truly crazy.
One of these very common composition books:
$7.50!
Just now, for shits and giggles, I ordered one online and it was CHEAPER TO BUY IT ONLINE AND HAVE IT SHIPPED TO ME. I cancelled the order because I just wanted to see, but come the fuck on.
Obviously, the store was abandoned. There was only the cashier sitting behind the counter reading the paper, hopefully the job listings. She would look up every time I cackled maniacally.
A pencil, a single, common wooden pencil was $2.25!
Wow.
I like office supply stores, normally. I like pencils and pens and notebooks. This place, though, was ridiculous…
My moods are like the weather. A cloud rolls in for no reason at all and I become all bitchy. Then it rolls out and life becomes dandy.
Weird how moods work.
Sometimes I can pin it on something. A good thing will happen and I will be in a good mood or a bad thing will happen and I’ll be totally “Fuck off.” Usually, though, it’s pretty random.
That big rock that flew in from outer space and blew up over Russia breaking all those windows for no reason at all? A perfect analogy for one of my moods.
Perhaps I am just a receiver, an antenna picking up and squawking back out random vibes from the Universe. I like to think of myself as a transmitter, though. Maybe this is why I’m so often pissed.
So what is the pH of reverse osmosis water? I need slightly acidic water for my cactus plants.
And I still hate February. I’d give my right nut for some Spring.
