:(
So I’m reading the news, right? And I’m reading along, clicking here and there. I don’t read the paper because that’s so 1990. I want to be hip, like all the kids, so I get everything off the internet. And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING: the news, of course, but also tobacco, “hemp” seeds, adult entertainment, clothing, books, yeast for brewing closet hooch, information about unicycles, and the entrance requirements for Clown College.
It’s a wonderful time to be alive.
Anyway, I came across a study, which is no big thing. You see them all the time in the news. Studies work like this: you come up with an agenda, then pay some scientists or researchers or college professors to figure out a way to back it up statistically. You then give it to the news so it can scare us (usually) or hearten us (rarely). Fear reads better and does wonders for ratings, creeping totalitarianism, and many other things.
The study I was reading about was unique, however. It was the most unique study in the history of studies, in fact. It was a study of a study of studies.
Yeah, really.
It was a study done by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) of a study done by the Pentagon which was a study of the value of doing so many studies. The Pentagon, you see, does a lot of studies, and the generals were all sitting around one day waiting for the manufactured fear to build up so they would “have” to attack Iran or North Korea to “defend our freedom” and one of them said, “Holy beans, we do a lot of studies around here! Maybe we should do a study about that.”
“Yeah,” said another general, “maybe doing so many studies is a waste of money.” And everybody in the room burst out laughing.
So the Pentagon commissioned The Study To Determine If Doing So Many Studies Has Any Value At All Study (TSTDIDSMSHAVAAS). The study began in 2010 and is still underway today. Government studies work a little differently than private sector or political studies. There isn’t an agenda per se that needs to be statistically “proven”. Government studies are done, in every single case, so that bureaucracy has something to do. Bureaucracy, you see, needs to justify its existence so that it can continue being enormously expensive, thereby creating the chronic debt needed by Republicans to justify taking away help and benefits from the poor, women, immigrants, and pretty much everyone else who isn’t a rich white male. The Democrats use it to justify raising taxes, thereby creating the fiction of class war.
So, obviously, this contrived debt we have is very important to everyone.
Recently, the GAO got wind of the Pentagon study and said, “Hey, they’re doing a study of studies over there at the Pentagon. This needs to be studied. By the way, isn’t it about time for another war? We’re all clearly bored out of our minds.”
So the GAO, without even one head shake or a single eye roll, commissioned a study of this study that’s studying studies and a hole was torn in the fabric of universe. At this very moment, reality is deflating like a party balloon.
Seriously, though, this is all actually happening. Here’s a source. Here’s another.
The GAO study determined that the Pentagon’s study of studies was “lacking”.
Lacking what? A point? And if, indeed, that this is true of the study about studies, what about the study about the study about the studies?
My head hurts. I’m going to start drinking now. Goodbye.
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Catholic Church Targets Girls Scouts
NEW YORK — The Girls Scouts of the USA have long been a lightning rod of controversy among conservatives for their annoying refusal to indoctrinate the young ladies who participate along Republican lines, but an official inquiry by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops may be the toughest challenge yet for the 100-year old organization.
Of concern to the bishops are program materials that some Catholics might find offensive, as well as assertions that the Scouts associate with other groups that espouse stances in conflict with church teaching. The Scouts, who have numerous parish-sponsored troops, deny many of the claims and defend their alliances.
The inquiry is part of a newly energized Catholic Church. Long on the defensive for sheltering pedophiles, the Church is attempting to move forward by bullying other people, especially female people.
In April, the Vatican issued a stinging reprimand of American nuns and ordered a bishop to oversee a makeover of the organization that represents 80 percent of them. In short, the Vatican accused the nuns of worrying too much about the poor and not enough about abortion and gay marriage.
Lay Deacon Wally Bazinga of the Catholic Organization of America said that it’s about time. “For too long have we been groveling just because some of our priests happen to be pedophiles and, out of Christ-like love and acceptance, we hid their hobbies from the authorities. It’s time for us to put that in the past and go after these people who think it’s ok to be gay or, worse, exercise complete reproductive freedom.”
The inquiry also coincides with the Girl Scouts’ 100th anniversary celebrations and follows a chain of other controversies.
Earlier this year, Bob Morris (R-Dipshit), an Indiana lawmaker, sent a letter to Indiana House Republicans explaining why he was the only member in the chamber not to sign onto a resolution celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. The resolution applauded the group “for the strong positive influence it has had on the American woman.” Morris said he did some Web-based research and found allegations that the Girl Scouts are a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood, that they allow transgender females to join, “just like any real girl,” and encourage sex. Morris also said the fact that first lady Michelle Obama is an honorary president “should give each of us reason to pause before our individual and collective endorsement of the organization. After all, she’s a Democrat. A black Democrat.”
The organization was also berated in a series aired by a Catholic broadcast network.
Last year, the Scouts angered some conservatives by accepting into a Colorado troop a 7-year-old transgender child. James Dobson of Focus on the Family called the move “creepy”. “Such a child shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, much less openly accepted into a group of supportive peers and adults. I mean, ‘transgender’, what does that even mean? I get the willies just saying it out loud.”
Some of the concerns raised by Catholic critics are recycled complaints that have been denied by the Girl Scouts’ head office repeatedly and categorically. It says it has no partnership with Planned Parenthood, and does not take positions on sexuality, birth control, or abortion.
“Which is the problem,” said Bazinga. “By not taking a position on sexuality, birth control, or abortion, the Girls Scouts are saying that these are private, personal matters. It’s liable to turn all these helpless little girls into a bunch of condom-wearing lesbians who think abortion is a matter of choice.”
“It’s been hard to get the message out there as to what is true when distortions get repeated over and over,” said Gladys Padro-Soler, the Girl Scouts’ director of inclusive membership strategies, who, surprisingly, wasn’t even talking about the article you are now reading.
The new inquiry will be conducted by the bishops’ Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth. It will look into the Scouts’ “possible problematic relationships with other organizations” and various “problematic” program materials, according to a letter sent by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin Rhoades of Fort Wayne, Ind., to his fellow bishops.
Girl Scout leaders hope the bishops’ apprehensions will be eased once they gather information. But there’s frustration within the iconic youth organization, known for its inclusiveness and cookie sales, that it has become such an ideological target, with the girls sometimes caught in the political crossfire.
“For us, there’s an overarching sadness to it,” said the Girl Scouts’ spokeswoman, Michelle Tompkins. “We’re just trying to further girls’ leadership.”
“Ultimately, that’s the problem,” countered Bazinga. “Furthering leadership is all fine and dandy, even for girls I suppose, but how far must it go? What if many of these girls reject the correct forms of marriage and family as taught by a group of out-of-touch, celibate men? What if they start thinking it’s ok to be gay? How about some leadership in the kitchen for once?”
One of the longest-running concerns that conservatives and Catholics have is the Girl Scouts’ membership in the 145-nation World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts.
The association, known as WAGGGS, is on record as saying girls and young women “need an environment where they can freely and openly discuss issues of sex and sexuality.” It also has called for increased access to condoms to protect against sexually transmitted diseases.
Many critics want the Girl Scouts of the USA to pull out of the group, but they aren’t budging. “Our world is becoming smaller and our young people need to have those opportunities to engage with their peers from around the world,” said the Girl Scouts’ CEO, Anna Maria Chavez. “But simply being a member does not mean that we will always take the same positions or endorse the same programs as WAGGGS.”
The Girl Scouts have been entangled in the Culture War as far back as the 1970s, when many became irked by the prominence of feminists such as Betty Friedan in the organization’s leadership. The Culture War is what conservatives call it when their views are rejected and a more open, equal, and tolerant society is created. They are deeply hurt by this because they were certain all the rich white men had everything already figured out.
In 1993, a new outrage was perpetrated when the Girl Scouts formalized a policy allowing girls to substitute another word for “God” - such as Allah or Buddha - in the Girl Scout promise that reads: “On my honor, I will try to serve God and my country.” A year later, James Dobson’s Focus on the Family insisted that the group had lost its way when it made this religious oath not only personal, but outright optional.
“What’s next?” he wondered. “Orgies? Animal sacrifice? Socialism?”
Probably.
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sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
(via early-onset-of-night)
Catholic Church Targets Girls Scouts
NEW YORK — The Girls Scouts of the USA have long been a lightning rod of controversy among conservatives for their annoying refusal to indoctrinate the young ladies who participate along Republican lines, but an official inquiry by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops may be the toughest challenge yet for the 100-year old organization.
Of concern to the bishops are program materials that some Catholics might find offensive, as well as assertions that the Scouts associate with other groups that espouse stances in conflict with church teaching. The Scouts, who have numerous parish-sponsored troops, deny many of the claims and defend their alliances.
The inquiry is part of a newly energized Catholic Church. Long on the defensive for sheltering pedophiles, the Church is attempting to move forward by bullying other people, especially female people.
In April, the Vatican issued a stinging reprimand of American nuns and ordered a bishop to oversee a makeover of the organization that represents 80 percent of them. In short, the Vatican accused the nuns of worrying too much about the poor and not enough about abortion and gay marriage.
Lay Deacon Wally Bazinga of the Catholic Organization of America said that it’s about time. “For too long have we been groveling just because some of our priests happen to be pedophiles and, out of Christ-like love and acceptance, we hid their hobbies from the authorities. It’s time for us to put that in the past and go after these people who think it’s ok to be gay or, worse, exercise complete reproductive freedom.”
The inquiry also coincides with the Girl Scouts’ 100th anniversary celebrations and follows a chain of other controversies.
Earlier this year, Bob Morris (R-Dipshit), an Indiana lawmaker, sent a letter to Indiana House Republicans explaining why he was the only member in the chamber not to sign onto a resolution celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. The resolution applauded the group “for the strong positive influence it has had on the American woman.” Morris said he did some Web-based research and found allegations that the Girl Scouts are a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood, that they allow transgender females to join, “just like any real girl,” and encourage sex. Morris also said the fact that first lady Michelle Obama is an honorary president “should give each of us reason to pause before our individual and collective endorsement of the organization. After all, she’s a Democrat. A black Democrat.”
The organization was also berated in a series aired by a Catholic broadcast network.
Last year, the Scouts angered some conservatives by accepting into a Colorado troop a 7-year-old transgender child. James Dobson of Focus on the Family called the move “creepy”. “Such a child shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, much less openly accepted into a group of supportive peers and adults. I mean, ‘transgender’, what does that even mean? I get the willies just saying it out loud.”
Some of the concerns raised by Catholic critics are recycled complaints that have been denied by the Girl Scouts’ head office repeatedly and categorically. It says it has no partnership with Planned Parenthood, and does not take positions on sexuality, birth control, or abortion.
“Which is the problem,” said Bazinga. “By not taking a position on sexuality, birth control, or abortion, the Girls Scouts are saying that these are private, personal matters. It’s liable to turn all these helpless little girls into a bunch of condom-wearing lesbians who think abortion is a matter of choice.”
“It’s been hard to get the message out there as to what is true when distortions get repeated over and over,” said Gladys Padro-Soler, the Girl Scouts’ director of inclusive membership strategies, who, surprisingly, wasn’t even talking about the article you are now reading.
The new inquiry will be conducted by the bishops’ Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth. It will look into the Scouts’ “possible problematic relationships with other organizations” and various “problematic” program materials, according to a letter sent by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin Rhoades of Fort Wayne, Ind., to his fellow bishops.
Girl Scout leaders hope the bishops’ apprehensions will be eased once they gather information. But there’s frustration within the iconic youth organization, known for its inclusiveness and cookie sales, that it has become such an ideological target, with the girls sometimes caught in the political crossfire.
“For us, there’s an overarching sadness to it,” said the Girl Scouts’ spokeswoman, Michelle Tompkins. “We’re just trying to further girls’ leadership.”
“Ultimately, that’s the problem,” countered Bazinga. “Furthering leadership is all fine and dandy, even for girls I suppose, but how far must it go? What if many of these girls reject the correct forms of marriage and family as taught by a group of out-of-touch, celibate men? What if they start thinking it’s ok to be gay? How about some leadership in the kitchen for once?”
One of the longest-running concerns that conservatives and Catholics have is the Girl Scouts’ membership in the 145-nation World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts.
The association, known as WAGGGS, is on record as saying girls and young women “need an environment where they can freely and openly discuss issues of sex and sexuality.” It also has called for increased access to condoms to protect against sexually transmitted diseases.
Many critics want the Girl Scouts of the USA to pull out of the group, but they aren’t budging. “Our world is becoming smaller and our young people need to have those opportunities to engage with their peers from around the world,” said the Girl Scouts’ CEO, Anna Maria Chavez. “But simply being a member does not mean that we will always take the same positions or endorse the same programs as WAGGGS.”
The Girl Scouts have been entangled in the Culture War as far back as the 1970s, when many became irked by the prominence of feminists such as Betty Friedan in the organization’s leadership. The Culture War is what conservatives call it when their views are rejected and a more open, equal, and tolerant society is created. They are deeply hurt by this because they were certain all the rich white men had everything already figured out.
In 1993, a new outrage was perpetrated when the Girl Scouts formalized a policy allowing girls to substitute another word for “God” - such as Allah or Buddha - in the Girl Scout promise that reads: “On my honor, I will try to serve God and my country.” A year later, James Dobson’s Focus on the Family insisted that the group had lost its way when it made this religious oath not only personal, but outright optional.
“What’s next?” he wondered. “Orgies? Animal sacrifice? Socialism?”
Probably.
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sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
The cartoon selected for my article. I wonder what my editor would say if I told him I wrote the whole thing drunk? Probably nothing. He transformed my “seated” into “sitting” without batting an eye. Often, I wonder what he looks like naked. I perceive much belly, plus a smirk. His glasses, I bet he pokes them a lot with his finger to get them high enough on his face. I know I would. Me, I have perfect vision, but that’s ok. At some point I will decline. At some point in the distant future I will go all to hell.
In the meantime: \m/
Mitt Romney has an uphill battle. Unseating a seated president is difficult for any candidate. The snake you know is always better than the snake you don’t. Plus, Mitt is GOP in 2012.
A new Washington Post poll is out showing Obama ahead in the the swing state of Virginia 51% to 44%. It’s the fifth swing state poll in just a few days (the other four being OH, WI, FL, and PA), and it looks as though Mitt has a lot of work to do before he can even lose respectably. If he half-asses it, he’s going to get stomped like a narc at a biker rally.
If you look closer at these polls like I did (being the severely bored person I am), you’ll see that the GOP’s problem is women. Yep, the GOP has a problem with women, what with their pesky demand for having control over their own bodies and their annoying habit of voting.
In Virgina, the Transvaginal Ultrasound Fiasco (TUF) didn’t help matters at all. In case you don’t know, the transvaginal ultrasound is where a woman who is considering an abortion must, by law, spread her legs and have her vagina invaded with an ultrasound device to show her the “baby” she is thinking about “killing”. State-mandated medical rape, in other words.
Weirdly, this brilliant piece of GOP thinking pissed off a whole bunch of women and even some men, who actually sat down their beers and looked up from the game, cocking a collective eyebrow of concern. The Republicans, seeing the anger, backed off, saying, “Maybe forcing a woman to spread her legs and invading her vagina is a bad idea, especially if it makes a lot of people not want to vote for us.”
But the damage was done. By and large, women don’t like the GOP these days, and it’s reflected in poll after poll.
America is generally a pretty conservative place, but the Republican Party of 2012 has gone overboard. The extremism of Fox News is actually driving the debate for the GOP, much to it and Romney’s detriment.
Over the last few years, Republicans have worked at every level of government to roll back, limit, or outright kill just about every advance feminism has made for this country. There are even those that would turn us into a Christian Saudi Arabia. Just last month, a preacher was lamenting the fact that women had the right to vote. He called it a mistake. Women’s Suffrage, he says, is a mistake. You probably heard about it. If not, his name is Reverend Jesse Lee Peterson and he appears, not surprisingly, on Fox News’ Hannity quite a bit. In fact, Sean Hannity sits on the advisory board of Peterson’s little He-Man Woman Haters Club. Called, inelegantly, the Brotherhood Organization of A New Destiny, it is no doubt located in a 1930s treehouse.
All of this has hurt the GOP’s standing with women far more deeply than it would like to admit. It has only played well with a core group of evangelicals who don’t have the numbers to run this country, but who feel they have the god-given right.
Anyway, President Obama sends his thanks.
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Mayday! Mayday!
Just came across this ad. The fuck?
Cartoon selected for my column. Renamed by my editor: Conservative Hypocrisy: Ted Nugent a Hero, but the Dixie Chicks are Traitors
Compilation of Limbaugh’s attacks on Sandra Fluke. Watch how he twitches. Look at how much rage he has toward her, toward all women. There is something decidedly creepy about this. He is the poster boy for the tiny little man who was denied by a woman at a very delicate moment in his sexual development and responds by throwing a lifelong tantrum. Watch Video
Btw, I guess Limbaugh’s people are trying to get this taken down from YouTube (the link above is for Vimeo). I guess it kinda makes him look bad or something. Har, har. They want him to look like a tough, conservative guy, not an angry little boy with glaring psychological problems. YouTube will most likely do it. They’re all a bunch of corporate cocksuckers over there.
Compilation of Limbaugh’s attacks on Sandra Fluke. Watch how he twitches. Look at how much rage he has toward her, toward all women. There is something decidedly creepy about this. He is the poster boy for the tiny little man who was denied by a woman at a very delicate moment in his sexual development and responds by throwing a lifelong tantrum. Watch Video
Ted Nugent Wins Coveted Dork of The Month Award For April
In a very small ceremony held in my apartment yesterday, Ted Nugent was proclaimed Dork of the Month by me, Michael Kindt. There were no other attendees. Three celebratory old fashioneds were consumed, followed by a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The proceedings concluded around 11:30 PM, when I dozed off on the couch while reading a National Geographic.
I would like to congratulate “the Nuge” on this triumph. The Dork of the Month Award has long been dominated by Rick Santorum, but he is currently busy fading into obscurity.
Most recently, “the Nuge” caught a lot of hell when he said at an NRA rally that he will either be dead or in jail after Obama’s victory in November. He also said at the same event that “We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off.” No word on whether he was wearing animal skins and wielding a stone ax.
Lots of people made fun of him for his hyperbole, rightly so. The prostitute-loving Secret Service even paid him a visit. “The Nuge” defended himself on Right Wing Radio, bemoaning, “I’m a black Jew at a Nazi-Klan Rally!”
The poor guy.
The Secret Service determined that “the Nuge” was just talking out his butt. No big whoop. They concluded there was no real threat. He was just exercising his God-given right to say creepy things about a Democratic president. Very little, if anything, should happen to him. I mean, it’s not like he’s the Dixie Chicks, who said back in ‘03, “We do not want this war, this violence, and are ashamed that the President of The United States is from Texas.” That treasonous little outburst resulted in the Chicks receiving on-air death threats, being labelled as traitors, and having their music pulled from radio play. The Chicks, though, were women and should’ve known their place. Plus, they were criticizing war (America’s pastime) and a white Republican president. They deserved what they got.
About the only thing that will happen to “the Nuge” is that he has been uninvited to perform at an upcoming military concert at Fort Knox. The soldiers who would’ve been attending all erupted into sighs of relief upon hearing the news.
“The Nuge” does a lot of stupid crap, thus the award. He can’t really help it. He’s a Right Wing Whack Job after all. Back in 2010, he had his hunting license revoked in California for illegally baiting and killing deer. On the 14th of this month, he admitted to illegally killing and transporting a bear while in Alaska. In addition to a $10,000 fine, he must create a 30-to-60 second public service announcement about responsible hunting to run on his tv show “The Spirit of the Wild” every other week. He is also banned from hunting or fishing anywhere in Alaska or on any U.S. Forest Service land nationwide for a year.
The sentence caused “the Nuge” to throw a tantrum on his Twitter: “The evil corrupt gvt thugs make me stronger evryday. ThankU goofballs. The whole world sux but America sux less but we’re catchin up with the commies.”
I believe that my bestowing of the coveted Dork of the Month Award upon “the Nuge” will serve as a wake-up call, will help him open his eyes and see the weirdness of his ways. Clearly, he has severe issues. Often, he brags of never having taken a drink or tried a drug in his life, proving beyond any doubt that he is tragically under-medicated.
I enjoy helping people, even ones like “the Nuge”. After all, a man never stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child.
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